Mother Of None

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2011-07-12T14:51:00.001-06:00

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12 months later...

2008-03-11T09:39:00.002-06:00

I can't believe that it has been almost 12 months since I updated this blog. I suppose that I just needed time. This will be my last post here, but I will leave the blog up in the hopes that infertile women out there in internet land continue to come accross it and find some hope or comfort in its words.

On March 4th, 2008 this Mother of None became the proud Mother of Sons. I have given birth to the two most beautiful baby boys that I have ever seen. I am relieved to be writing the closing paragraph on this chapter of my life, but I am a better, stronger, different person for having lived it.

A long overdue update....

2007-02-06T10:34:00.000-07:00

Sorry that I haven't been around for a few months. I just haven't been in the mood to blog. Thanks to those of you who continue to check in on me...

Husband and I did cycle again in November. We tried a different protocol but ended up with identical results (expect that we had 15 eggs retrieved this time). We now have conclusive evidence that I cannot create mature eggs - of course we don't know why. Anyway... the news was hard to take, but I think the long break in between cycles gave us time to prepare for the worst.

We are at yet another decision point in this whole trying to create a family fiasco... 1) we can attempt donor eggs; 2) we can start the adoption process; or 3) we can live child free. I already know what our decision is, but I haven't decided whether or not I am going to share it with the Internet. I will post again soon regardless of what I decide.

- P.

Hello...

2006-10-04T18:08:00.000-06:00

On March 4th, 7 months ago today, we went through our first IVF retrieval.  It was scary and exciting and in the end, heartbreaking.  We have spent the past seven months healing, being a family of two, reconnecting with each other, and finding a revived passion for our life.  Today we moved on.

After much thought and discussion we decided that it was time to re-group.  Literally.  We met with Dr. Funny today.  You may remember that a couple months back I was struggling whether to continue with Dr. Funny or move on to The. Number. One. Clinic. In. The. Country.  I made the decision to stick with Dr. Funny and I KNOW that it was the right decision.

Moments after arriving at Dr. Funny’s office I heard “Hi! P!!! – How ARE you???”, it was my first nurse at Dr. Funny’s clinic, the one that did all of my IUIs.  She was pregnant last time I saw her, but has given birth (I assume) and is back to her sweet, petite southern self.  After our meeting with Dr. Funny (details below) we were loitering in the checkout area.  The radiologist (AKA the nicest Wand Monkey EVER) walked by, did a double take and exclaimed, “P!! How are you???”.   We continued to linger in the lobby and were eventually greeted by Nurse Spunky who gave us our drugs (oops spoiler…) and told us how excited she was to see our name on the schedule today.  She apparently wasn’t sure that we would come back.

I can promise you that this never, ever would have happened at the big, fancy clinic.  I know that sticking with Dr. Funny and his AWESOME staff was the best decision for us.

Alright… I know you all want the details so here they come:

I should be greeted by another teenage-style period (you know the kind… bad cramps, big bloat, gobs of nasty pimples in the t-zone) any day now.  I am on day 28 (hey an infertile girl can try to quit but she is always going to count the days) and expect day one tomorrow or Friday.  BCP will start on approximately October 7th and my next period should be somewhere around October 30-31st (happy 30th birthday to me!!).  Retrieval will be approximately November 10th.

I am excited that in just over a month we will have answers.  Do I have poor egg quality?  Was the last cycle a fluke?  Am I destined to be the biological mother to a child?  Only time will tell.  We don’t have our hopes up and we are approaching this with guided optimism and the intentions of ending up with answers, not an embryo.

With that said, Husband and I have decided to keep this cycle between the two of us.  We are not telling family, friends or acquaintances.  It is none of their business.  When we know something we will share the something that we know.  For now we are leaning on each other, choosing to make this a personal adventure, and hoping that no matter what the end result is we will be able to close the door on 2006 and move on.

For those of you that have continued to check in on me over the past seven months, thank you.  I hope that you will stick around and follow my journey.  I don’t know where we will end up, but I invite you all along for the ride.

PS – “Daddy to Mudd”, if you are still reading, the paragraph above does not apply to you. You are more than welcome to continue to read my blog if you choose to.  Of course, you are getting ready to have your hands FULL with your first little bundle of joy (we can’t wait to hear if it is a boy or a girl) so I am almost positive that you aren’t reading anymore.

I was RUNNING!!!

2006-08-01T22:24:00.000-06:00

I took the plunge this evening and registered to run in the local edition of the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure. I then sent out an email to 75 of my closest friends and family and requested that they support me by donating a bit of change. I also publicly announced that I would like to run the 5K race in 35 minutes or less and I am bound to get a ton of grief if I don't stick with it.

This has been a hard year for my friends and friends of my friends. My mother is very active in her local affiliate of the Foundation and it is a good cause. I know that we all have dished out tons of cash over the past year (or five, or ten) but if you have a few bucks to spare I would appreciate the support.

P.'s Donation Page

Off I go to dust of the treadmill and dig out the running shoes...

Friday Thoughts...

2006-07-21T16:26:00.000-06:00

I think that I have mentioned before that I work a 5/4 split in an "80" hour two week period. That is, I work 9 hour days, five days one week and four days the next. In actuality I work closer to 10 hours a day, plus my hour commute (each way). Usually I am really good about taking my day off. I stop to check my emails a couple of times (okay four or five) but I stay home, or I schedule appointments, or I go to the pool... today? Not. So. Much. I worked eight stinky, icky hours today.

Don't get me wrong, I love my work... but I feel like I am sliding down a slippery slope. Husband and I have both really thrown ourselves into our work since The Failure and sometimes I think we are obsessed. Soon we will be going on vacation and although I originally planned to leave my laptop at work and our laptop at home I don't think it is going to happen. Things are piling up and I jut don't know if I can let go for a week. AH!

Speaking of The Failure, Husband and I have been discussing the road in front of us and which path we want to take. We have had some very open discussions about adoption (international AND domestic) and about trying IVF again. I would like to take one more stab at creating a biological child of our own and it looks like we may try to get something scheduled at the end of the year. We are going to wait until the end of the year for a couple of selfish reasons. First, we have to jump back on this train (we had a relapse after The Failure) and second, I plan to get unbelievably intoxicated as I ring in my thirties.

So... here is my question. Do I 1) schedule with the clinic that I love with the Dr's that I love or 2) schedule with this clinic since this is definitely my LAST try? I am a very loyal person so chances are that I will stick with clinic #1 but input from my readers would be appreciated.

Lazy, rainy, summer day...

2006-07-08T15:04:00.000-06:00

It has been raining on and off since 6:00 last night. The sky is overcast and I have absolutly NO energy. Apparently, neither do my kids:

Husband is out on the golf course and I expect that he will come home soaked to the bone and slighlty crabby from having had to get up so early on a Saturday. Husband will tell anyone that asks that he only gets up early on the weekends for three things: 1) Golf, 2) Baseball and 3) ... well I will leave that one to your imagination.

I am still sitting in my PJ's at 3:00 in the afternoon and I am seriously contemplating busting open a bottle of wine. My only resistance stems from the fact that today is grocery shopping day and I have to go out in public. Of course shopping half cocked after a bottle of nice red wine might be fun!

Thank you all for send me adoption blog links - I will have to get to reading soon.

Yesterday I went to the doctor for an earache and vertigo. Turns out they think I have sediment in my inner ear - most likely the result of a viral infection that I had in the past month. Funny, I didn't even realize I had a viral infection - in fact I only went to the doctor at the insitance of my coworkers after a scary incident involving me driving my car and the whole world going black. Not to worry I didn't hurt anyone or myself. I forgot how impersonal the PCP's office can be. I hadn't been there in over two years and they have no idea about the whole, can't have a kid thing. I sat there for 45 minutes waiting to be taken back to a room, I didn't know the nurses or the adminstrators, or the NP that came back to see me. They didn't ask about Husband or work or my overall mental state. It was just weird. I guess I was spoiled by Dr. Funny and his staff. Back to reality.

Looks like I have to update my links again... congratulations to Manuela and Statia!

New Template & Stuff...

2006-07-01T15:50:00.000-06:00

I bet you are all happy to never, ever have to see that ugly blank page again! Thanks to Miss Zoot for the lovely design. What a talented lady!

I am soliciting suggestions for good adoption blogs. Click the link to the right if you have any to email me.

I reorganized all of my links today. I deleted those that had left the blogging world and placed each of my friends in their proper category. It it is bittersweet to have more friends in the "Pregnant after infertility" and "Infertile moms" categories than in the "Infertiles trying to get pregnant" category. I am so happy for each of my friends that have made it or are on their way, but it still stings a bit.

Hope you all have a great 4th! We have big plans to do a whole lot of NOTHING.

Interruption...

2006-06-12T10:12:00.000-06:00

I am interrupting my own sabbatical to share this quote with you:

Hope, it is the quintessential human delusion, simultaneously the source of your greatest strength, and your greatest weakness.

- The Architect, The Matrix Reloaded

So true... so very, very true. Hope you are well. I had no idea how much I would miss this "community".

Adios, arrivederci, auf wiedersehen, au revoir, sayonara, goodbye…

2006-05-02T14:22:00.000-06:00

n. a farewell remark; “they said their good-byes”

I have been thinking about writing this post since our IVF cycle failed and I have started writing it three or four times with no success. Today I am committed to seeing this post through to completion.

We had a re-group with the RE and the embryologist earlier this month. We got to see pictures of my immature, and not very pretty eggs and we went through the “cycle by the numbers” speech. I had fantastic Estrodial numbers, right where they want them to be on trigger day. They loved the number and size of follicles that I had and they are positive that I didn’t screw up the trigger. All in all they have no idea what went wrong or why, but there is a really, really good chance that it will happen again. I guess we didn’t learn anything at our appointment except that this portion of our journey is over. We can not, or should I say are not willing to, spend so much money on something with such very low odds. I was okay with plunking down 16K on 50% odds, but our odds on a repeat cycle are so low that they will not even give me a number.

For now Husband and I need a break and we are taking one. I am focusing really hard on other things in my life – job, friends, family, home. I am trying to step out of the little box that I have been trapped in for the better part of five years and remember that there is more to life and to a marriage than having children. Sure, deep down I am dying inside, I feel like a failure and I am disappointed at the hand of cards that I have been dealt, but I am dealing with it. Neither Husband nor I are interested in using donor eggs, and for now we have taken adoption off the table. I need some time to heal, to get to a point where I do not resent the pregnant women at the grocery store and where I do not cry in the baby section of Target. I need to learn to answer the question, “When are you going to have children?” honestly instead of elusively, and I need to accept that this is not anyone’s fault.

For me the first step, regrettably, towards healing is to withdraw from a community that I have felt so much love from. I respect each and every one of you and I appreciate your kind words, your thoughts and your prayers more than you can imagine. You have all taught me so much and I am quite sure that I would not have been able to stay so strong through this process if I did not have my “blogging friends”. It is with a heavy hart that today I have to say goodbye. I would like to promise to read and to comment, but I just do not think I can, at least not for a while. Please know that I am thinking of all of you and that I am grateful for all that you have done for me.

Thank you for everything. Thank you.

bad blogger

2006-04-19T09:44:00.000-06:00

I have been a bad blogger... I promise to update on all the goings on (not that there are many) soon.

Happy spring and stuff…

2006-03-24T16:01:00.000-07:00

Long time, no post. Things have been relatively quite around our house. The liquor is flowing again, our evenings out are lasting later and later into the night, and the talks of a much-needed vacation are becoming increasingly serious.

Our regroup with the embryologist and the RE has been rescheduled due to work conflicts and we now have to wait until April 7th. I am actually okay with the extra week and a half wait because I still need some time to formulate questions and think through the reality of what has happened. We are still undecided on what our next path is going to be and I am not sure that what they have to say is going to help us make up our minds.

In happy news one of Husband and my closest friends recently found out that they are pregnant with their first. They had a hard time getting pregnant and were starting to look at other avenues. I am glad that things worked out for them and I know that MuddsDaddy is going to be an AWESOME pappa!

Oh yeah - can you believe that Mother of None had its first birthday? And I missed it? Bah!

Clarification. . .

2006-03-08T08:39:00.000-07:00

Thank you again for all of your kind comments and emails. My situation seems to have elicited a bunch of questions and I feel like I should take a minute to answer some of them. Keep in mind that our problem seems to be a failure to mature not a failure to fertilize. I do not think I was clear about that in my previous post.

1. Why no ICSI?
ICSI was not performed because the eggs that were retrieved were not mature at retrieval and did not mature enough over the weekend for fertilization.

Maturation of the Ovum

Before an ovum can be fertilized it must undergo a process of maturation or ripening. This takes place previous to or immediately after its escape from the follicle, and consists essentially of an unequal subdivision of the ovum (Fig. 4) first into two and then into four cells. Three of the four cells are small, incapable of further development, and are termed polar bodies or polocytes, while the fourth is large, and constitutes the mature ovum.

ICSI will not work if you are dealing with immature eggs.

The embryologist is still confident that HAD my eggs been mature Husbands swimmers would have been able to do it on their own.

2. Why the pessimistic response from my RE?
The condition (average to high retreival number and ZERO maturation) is not seen that frequently especially in someone my age with absolutely no other apparent issues. I would say that the doctors are being realistic and not pessimistic. I actually appreciate that they are not playing games with us. They truly and honestly do not know whether the condition is permanent, but if it is there is really no way to fix it.

3. Why a diagnostic IVF cycle?
The doctors are not willing to confirm their hypothesis based on one failed cycle. 'Diagnostic' is the term that I am using to help keep it real. IF we decide to go through another IFV it will be for diagnostic purposes. However, IF the doctors hypothesis is wrong and my eggs are able to mature and subsequently fertilize then by all means we will put two back!

4. What next?
We have a re-group with the RE and the Embryologist on the 28th. The RE is not sure what he would do differently if we did another cycle. This cycle he actually pushed me one day further than he ordinarily would with the hopes that a couple of the smaller follicles I had at my Wednesday ultrasound would be ready by Saturday. He is going to do some research and hopes to be able to present us with at least one option at our meeting. He is considering increasing my HCG trigger to try to force the eggs into the final stages of maturation and he is considering taking me longer (higher E2 levels and bigger follicles) than he would ordinarily.

Does that help explain it?

The explanation...

2006-03-06T16:57:00.000-07:00

We don't know much yet, but here is what we do know:

- in 99.9 % of cases where they retrieve multiple eggs that appear mature at the time of retrival at least some of the eggs will reach final maturation within 24 hours.
- I seem to have eggs that fall in the .1%
- My eggs can not seem to get to the polar body stage:

Image taken from Visembryo - go give them some love!

- My clinic only sees this condition about once every 24 months
- The condition appears to be permanent
- The embryologist can not confirm that the condition is permanent unless we go through another IVF cycle
- I do not know if I can handle a 'diagnostic' IVF cycle
- If the condition is permanent chances are the only way I will be able to get pregnant if we use donor eggs
- We both agree that using donor eggs is not for us

We will have a meeting sometime in the next week or so with the RE and the embryologist and they will try to break it down for us a little bit more.

So here we are standing at a crossroads again. I don't know what our next move will be but I know that we will not be making any rash decisions. I did, however, go to test drive the new car that I want. Of course we can really only afford it if we take the DINK (dual-income-no-kids) option.

What we have here is...

2006-03-05T10:26:00.000-07:00

failure to fertilize. Yes folks we are cancelled. The score was 11-0 and we were on the losing team. Seems my eggs, although they looked perfect yesterday after retrieval, were not as mature as they seemed to be. The embryologist delivered the news at 6:45 this morning. He is going to monitor for progress until 3:00 MST and then he will call it.

I do not know what our next step in this journey is, but I am glad that I have all of you here with me.

A left-handed dozen...

2006-03-04T18:00:00.000-07:00

This is the name that Husband gave to our eleven beautiful little eggs retrieved this morning. Things went smoothly and I am at home relaxing and taking it easy. We will get a fertilization report bright and early tomorrow morning. Until then I leave you with a picture of the cute socks I purchased out to wear to retrieval this morning!

Trigger happy...

2006-03-02T19:41:00.000-07:00

I received a phone call from one of the nurses today with my instructions. I triggered at 7:00 pm and am to arrive for retrieval at 6:30 am on Saturday morning. Husband, being the morning person that he is, is not pleased. The good news about retrieval on Saturday is that my favorite nurse is working this weekend and due to the early hour of our appointment I will have almost two full days to recover before I go back to work. The bad news is that my doctor is NOT working this weekend and I will have to see Dr. Cute and Old. I actually really like Dr. Cute and Old, I have seen him around the office and he always greets me with a smile and a friendly hello.

The trigger tonight went well even though I was a bit nervous that I was going to jack it up. Today s ultrasound showed about 14 follicles, 10 on the left and four on the right. I am not counting on any particular number at retrieval but secretly hope that it is bigger than ten. Hopefully I will not be let down.

Progress...

2006-03-01T09:29:00.000-07:00

I have three visits with the Wand Monkey and three blood draws under my belt. It seems that my right side is cranking out the follicles and the left side is asleep. On Sunday my E2 was around 400 and yesterday it was over 1400. They are monitoring me closely since my number jumped so much and since I have one follie leading the pack on the right side. They told me to expect retrieval this weekend, but not to be surprised if it happened on Friday. So far they have not reduced the amount of Men0pur or Bra velle that I am shooting up but I kind of expect that to change today. Today s ultrasound showed 10 measurable follicles, 8 on the right and two on the left. They range in size from 9mm to 18mm with most in the 12-14mm range and my lining looks good at 12.4mm.

I have officially outgrown most of my clothes. Although I can still technically button my pants they bloat underneath is so. not. attractive! There have already been rumors flying around my office that am knocked - swear I will bitch slap the first person with the balls to ask! Yesterday I had a hormone induced mental breakdown at lunch and had to go and buy a shirt (or two) to hide the bloat. Luckily I work in the downtown district of a major metropolitan city and there is plenty of good shopping within walking distance!

Updated to add pictures and mention that today's E2 was over 1800!

Here are the two that I bought:

Here is the one that I want:

I have never worn a shirt with an empire waist in my life and therefore my coworker advised that I not purchase this until I am ready to discuss the growing belly.

OUCH!

2006-02-24T09:44:00.000-07:00

The stims are not going nearly as well as the Lupr0n injections did. They burn… and today I hit a little vain and started to bleed. I have nicked myself with a Lupr0n needle resulting in a teeny tiny little drop - this was different, and a little freaky, and will probably result in a bruise.

Between the period bloat and the crazy drugs I have running through my system I have manage to outgrow virtually all of my clothes in a week. I know it is only going to get worse and I pray that I can find SOMETHING in my closet at the end of next week that still fits and is appropriate attire for my professional day job. The infertile sweatpants- they just will not cut it!

So far I really haven’t had any side effects unless you count hot flashes and exhaustion. I have stopped drinking my two glasses of red wine a night and have started mixing my coffee in the morning – half decaf and half regular. I know that some of you continue to live life just like normal and I respect that – it just does not work for me. I am too much of a worrywart and need to know that if this fails it was not because I had a glass of wine with dinner on day 6 of stims or two cups of coffee on the morning of day 8 (in my heart I know that none of that really matters – but I just CANT). Husband always says “paranoia will destroy ya” but in this case I just HAVE to be paranoid.

I am approximately one week from retrieval – wow!

Ready, Set, Go!

2006-02-22T08:52:00.000-07:00

We are off and running. I went in for my day two ultrasound and blood work this morning on my way into work. The ultrasound looked great and I am completely cyst free. As long as the blood work comes back okay I will start stims bright and early tomorrow morning. Hopefully I will remember how to reconstitute the drugs. I can’t believe that I am now less than two weeks from retrieval. This whole process is moving so fast!

Last Wednesday I had my mock transfer and my SHG. Dr. Funny said that my transfer was picture perfect and he expects absolutely no problems when it comes to the real thing. The SHG also went well and was nowhere near as horrible as the HSG from hell that I had in October of 2004. No polyps or fibroids were visible and Dr. Funny was happy with what he saw.

I have made it through nine injections and have managed to bruise myself only once! I am pretty proud of this because I bruise very, very easy. Here’s hoping that I can be as successful once I move to three injections a day.

I am so very spoiled...

2006-02-14T21:39:00.000-07:00

I sent Husband an email this afternoon requesting that we spend our Valentine’s night cuddling on the couch in our pajamas munching on sushi, drinking a nice bottle of wine and watching a good sappy chick-flick. I got my wish, plus this!

My husband rocks in case you were wondering. I managed another shot all by myself tonight and tomorrow is my SHG and mock transfer. I am not looking forward to having to hold 32 ounces in my little bladder for an hour.

Really? I was freaking out over that...

2006-02-13T21:15:00.000-07:00

Tonight was the first night that I had to rush home from work to shoot up - 10 units of Lupr0n in my left hip. I have been having really bad dreams about the injections and have woken (waked? UGH I hate that word) up in a cold sweat on more than one occasion. I rushed to be home by 6:45 so that I would have at least 15 minutes to psych myself up. I walked through the door and loaded up the instructional CD in my laptop. I reviewed the SQ injection video and upstairs we went. Husband came along for moral support. We had originally thought that he was going to give me all of my shots, but I decided at the last minute that I would rather do these myself. After five minutes of prep I was sitting on the toilet, syringe in right hand and a chunk of chub in my left (thank goodness I have put on 15 pounds since I quit smoking), two deep breaths and off I went. And - it did not hurt. It did not sting. I do not yet have a bruise. I think I might be okay. We will see how the PIO shots go, but at least for the time being I am off and running!

Guess the protocol & proof that I am just THAT anal...

2006-02-08T20:01:00.000-07:00

So $3000 worth of drugs were sitting on my front porch when I arrived home from work. Funny, if it were a new TV or computer I never would have left it sitting out in the cold and the dark unattended, but for some reason I didn't even think twice about waiving the signature on a mints worth of drugs. Can you guess my protocol?

Tired of thinking?

Here it goes:
10 units of Lupron starting Monday and running through at least day 6 of my IVF cycle.
150 IU of Brave*ll in the morning starting on day 2 of my IVF cycle
150 IU of Men0pur in the evening starting on day 2 of my IVF cycle

Today I completed the obligatory pre-ivf pap and pelvic and of course... they weighed me. For the record I weigh 147.5 lbs pre-IVF meds. I know it sounds vein but I am VERY scared of what that number will be in a month.

I am enjoying my last week of being able to drink alcohol and coffee and I am sure to force Husband to take me out for sushi this weekend... just in case.

And... before I sign off I offer you proof that I. Am. Just. That. Anal. Witness - the guest bathroom...

Yes, that is my protocol taped to the mirror, and those are sticky notes to remind me when to inject what. There is no hope for me.

The Long Appointment...

2006-02-05T09:15:00.000-07:00

I spent Friday morning at the RE's office and am now completely overwhelmed. The appointment started at 8:00 am in the embryologist’s office. He took a short medical history from Husband and explained the technical mumbo-jumbo that is IVF. He walked us through the entire process from retrieval to transfer. He explained three day and five day transfers and why he prefers five. He is very hands on and I like him... even if it is hard to understand him through his thick Spanish accent (I shall now refer to him as Dr. Accent). I always liked science as a kid and I am glad that he didn't dumb it down too much.

The next appointment was with one of the members of the IVF team. She was spunky and a smart-ass and Husband immediately took to her. She walked us through my treatment plan and did the injection training. Why, why, why do they force us to reconstitute our own drugs? BAH! I am not too afraid of the Lupron/Menopur/Bravelle needle, but that PIO needle HOLY SHIT! I am not looking forward to that. Husband is planning to do most of my shots for me, but I will be doing the mixing. It is hard to believe that I will start shooting up in one week.

Our final appointment was with the financial counselor. Helpful, she wasn't. She informed us that we have no insurance coverage (duh), that UHC was not helpful (double duh), and that I owed her $1003 for today's services. After she was done collecting the money she walked us through the rest of the cycle and how much it is going to cost. I wasn't too surprised but the number still makes me want to choke.

I have to have an annual pap this week and hopefully they will get the mock transfer scheduled soon. I may have to go to a different office for the mock transfer because Dr. Funny's schedule is filling up at the office I go to.

Husband had a SA done Friday by Dr. Accent and he called first thing this morning with the results. In his words, everything was perfect! He has no doubt that he can get my eggs to fertilize spontaneously and did not think that ICSI would be necessary. Looks like we are starting this cycle out on the right foot – I hope things continue to be “perfect”.

So that catches us up on the past week. I am sure that things are going to get more interesting as the days progress and I will be sure to keep you posted.

Start here....

2006-01-28T23:33:00.000-07:00

Today is day three. My period is almost over and I am on to the next step. Tonight Husband and I went to have drinks at a favorite chain of ours. While we were sitting there it hit 10:00 and I decided that I better pop my first pill. I haven't taken BCP in oh, you know, FOUR years and needed to re-acquaint myself with the packaging. Wouldn't you know there were instructions. They said "start here"...

...and so I did. Injection training and embryologist consult in t-minus 6 days. I think this is going to move faster than I thought.

A different kind of wait...

2006-01-21T10:07:00.000-07:00

Hard to believe that I am anxiously awaiting my next period. Day one starts a new phase in the journey and I am ready to get. on. with. it!

I had a nice long talk with the IVF coordinator on Thursday afternoon. She gave me an overview of the process and she ran through some tentative dates. I will start BCP on the evening of day three, probably next Friday or Saturday night. We have our three hour meeting with the "team" on Friday the 4th. Husband will do yet another SA, we will learn how to shoot up and we will meet the embryologist. Some time the next week I will do my SHG and Mock Transfer. I think the whole process will move along quickly once we get the ball rolling, but for now the waiting is killing me.

The Consult...

2006-01-12T21:36:00.000-07:00

The consult went well. Husband and I still love Dr. Funny - even if he wants 16K from us. Gag!!! I can't believe it is that much...

The plan goes as follows:

Start BCP as soon as the flood gates open (approx. Jan 27th)

Do mock transfer, SHG, and repeat SA.

Start Lupr0n 20 days later... (approx Feb. 16)

Start Brave lle/Men0pur... (approx. Feb 25- 27)

Retrieval... (approx. March 9-10)

Transfer 3-5 days later (depending on quality and quantity, yada... yada... yada)

This is if all goes according to plan which means, 1) my body has to cooperate; 2) the Dr's schedule has to cooperate; and 3) life has to cooperate.

I can't believe this is happening...

Have you taken this?

2006-01-09T20:45:00.000-07:00

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	7.7
Mind:	6.3
Body:	7.5
Spirit:	5.2
Friends/Family:	6.5
Love:	9.1
Finance:	8.8
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

It is actually pretty close (for an Internet survey)!

Cooking and blogging and drinking OH MY...

2006-01-09T18:51:00.000-07:00

... or in Husbands words... cooking and dlogging and blinking, OH MY! Thanks for all of the lovely comments about Husbands design. I think he did a lovely job! I plan to keep him busy working on a design for our family blog and on one for my dad. Eventually he he may have time to work on something for himself, he, he, he...

Husband and I went on a shopping spree last night and purchased 1) a new wall unit for our tv and components 2) a new coffee table and 3) new end tables. Everything was available for pick-up and with the help of our friends S & J we got it all home in one trip. Too bad we had to completely dismantle the THEATER (an inside joke just for you Mudd's Daddy) and put it back together which takes about four hours. We finished everything up and had the house cleaned up just after 1:00 am. I am pooped!

Did I tell you that I hired a new house keeper? And that he is male? And that he ROCKS! He does blinds and baseboards every time he comes. My house is glistening and I am turning into a clean freak. Husband "doesn't like my recent behavior" and is afraid that in no time flat I will have him leaving his shoes in the garage (a personal pet peeve of both of ours - and don't get me going on what I will think of you if you invite me to your home for dinner and demand that I take my shoes in to gain entrance) and treating our home like a museum and not a place to live. I certainly hope that I never get that way and I encouraged him to let me know if I get too psychotic.

Three more days until our visit with the RE...

A New Look For The New Year...

2006-01-08T01:08:00.000-07:00

Look at me! Look at me! Husband worked super, super hard today and gave my blog a brand new look. Didn't he do a great job?! I am very, very impressed! Tomorrow (well today) he is going to add my title to the top image in Ph0t0shop and then we will be good to go. Doesn't it look beautiful. Hopefully this will encourage me to post more frequently again!

Delay of Game...

2006-01-05T22:14:00.000-07:00

I recieved a phone call on Tuesday afternoon from the RE informing me that they had an earlier appointment for our consult tomorrow. Too bad the consult was with the wrong doctor! Seems the "new girl" accidentally set my appointment with one of the other RE's in the practice. I am sure that Dr. A is nice, but after six months with Dr. Funny and his staff I am not interested in changing. They offered to squeeze me in that afternoon, but since Husband and I had been away from work for the holiday we didn't feel like it was appropriate to cut out early for a last-minute appointment. Luckily they were able to get us in on the 12th, so less than a week left to wait...

Happy 2006!

2006-01-02T22:15:00.000-07:00

I hope that you all had a happy and health couple of holiday weeks! Our Christmas was fantastic. We traveled down south to spend some time with Husbands family. It was the first time all of the brothers and sisters had been together for Christmas in over 10 years! There was tons of food and tons of family... oh and a little bit of wine. We returned to the city we live in on Tuesday night and after a day of rest on Wednesday I headed back to work. Work is still insane and it seems to be worse with all of the vacations and time off. I hope to get caught up sometime during the first quarter of 2006!

Our new years eve was pretty calm. We went to our friend’s house for shrimp and crab and prime rib. The food was delicious, but I didn't eat enough and drank one too many glasses of wine and spent the majority of new years day in bed. Luckily today was a holiday for me and I was able to catch up on the housework and laundry and grocery shopping. We hired a new housekeeper and he comes for the first time on Thursday. I am looking forward to having clean bathrooms and dusted furniture! It is amazing how far behind I am! Husband spent the afternoon taking down the outside lights and packing up the remainder of the Christmas stuff. I can't believe that it is 2006 already!

My IVF consult is on Friday. I really don't think we will learn much that we don't already know, but we have to go through the motions. I hope to get started with my next cycle. Kind of hard to believe but I don't even know what cycle day I am on.

I know that there has been some really good news out there and I feel terribly bad for not posting more comments. I am following and reading! I hope to be able to post more frequently in the next few weeks and I promise to update frequently once our IVF cycle starts.

Happy New Year! May 2006 be the year that all of your wishes come true.

Weekend Events...

2005-12-12T12:05:00.000-07:00

You know you had a fun Saturday night when you wake up on Sunday morning to:
-A kitchen full of dishes including six empty wine glasses.
-Two empty wine bottles on the cabinet and another half empty in the fridge.
-Clothes strewn around the house.
-Couch cusions in the dining room and an open fold-out bed in the living room.

Um, yeah... enough said.

I am really enjoying our break but unfortunately as much as I try to ignore my body I can still just tell. We had an EWCM sighting and I couldn't resist the temptation to OPK. It was positive... at least I know my body is still working even though it isn't pumped full of drugs.

We tried to make candy on Saturday night. I am not sure if was the wine or the lack of experience but we went 0 for 3! I will get pictures up soon...

The One Where I Get Honest...

2005-12-02T23:26:00.000-07:00

It is 11:00 on a Friday night and we are home from dinner with some friends. We had a nice time, the food was good and much beer and wine was consumed... actually - I am on glass #5. So, please excuse me if I slur :o)

First of all, thank you all for the overwhelming support. It is so good to know that you are all still checking in - even when I am out and about, busy at work and not blogging.

Alrighty then, what do I have to update you on? Well there is this... yes, this is my friend Jamila. I met her a very long time ago on Fertility Freak (oops, I mean Friend). She and I were the last two infertiles of a very fun group of girls that used to hang out on a message board entitled The Bar. I am so very happy to see her pregnant and she deserves big, huge hugs and lots and lots of love and encouragement from the infertile world. She has been through hell and I only wish the best for her.

In other news... there has been something on my mind that I wanted to share. I have been reserved about this for a couple of reasons, but the primary one is that one of my TRUEST real life friends found my blog last month. I am VERY glad that he did because he and his wife are dealing with similar issues and I think that my blog (and hopefully some others) will help them get through this hell. But... it makes it real, I mean really REAL. Someone out there that knows me and Husband and how we think, and our families, and well, everything about us, also knows exactly how fucking shitty this really is - and how hard it has been on Husband and I.

Anyway... here is the secret... in September we were given a "gift"; we found out that our insurance covered some of our infertility treatment. We have used and abused this "gift" and three covered IUIs later - no success. Last month I had a conversation with my mother about next Christmas and how we would be parents by then. I boiled over... I was frustrated with her diluted optimism. I won't go into details, but it was a fairly pessimistic conversation. Husband and I had just discussed the cost of IVF and how we were ABSOLUTLY unwilling to go into debt (again) in order to finance our infertility. We discussed waiting to do IVF or adopt until we had the money in the bank. I relayed all of this to Mom. It was Wednesday.

As most of you know I have every other Friday off of work. The Friday following the conversation with Mom was my day off. Some time around 3:00 my cell phone rang. It was Mom calling when Dad wasn’t around and Husband was at work. She was calling to offer us a GIFT, the gift of IVF… Their offer overwhelmed me and made me cry. If only I could put into words what this all means to me…

Husband and I have tentatively accepted their offer… I expect that the final agreement will be that any assistance given is a loan that will be repaid when we can give it and they need it.

So here we are - on the brink of IVF and scared shitless… yes, this is really happening.

PS – Daddy to Mudd, I really and truly love you and your beautiful wife. I hope that you will visit often, that you find some comfort in not being alone, and that eventually you will post – even if anonymously.

I'm Out...

2005-11-30T22:03:00.000-07:00

... and on another break. Work is crazy and I can't stand the emotional and physical roller coaster right now. It is time for me to relax and focus on the things that I DO have... Husband, Dog, Cat, job, house, blah, blah, blah. My IVF consult is set for January 6th and until then I plan to drink bottles and bottles of wine and cook cookies and candy galore! I hope that you will still visit me often - even if it is just to snag a recipe :o)

Happy Thanksgiving...

2005-11-24T20:40:00.000-07:00

I hope that you all had a wonderful day! Here's to Turkey hangovers and sleeping like a puppy...

Waiting...

2005-11-18T19:11:00.000-07:00

... so everything was perfect at the US on Tuesday. I had two follies, left side, 26mm and 28mm. My lining was 11mm and we triggered. The IUI was on Wednesday morning and Husband's numbers were fantastic, 22.40 million at 2+-3+ grade! So now we wait...

In other news... Husband got his repeat SA back and everything was PERFECT! In fact, he was better than normal. His Morph (Krueger) went from 6% to 18%!!!! Holy fucking shit Batman! guess there is something to be said for giving up the smoke! Geesh! I am very happy that everything is normal, but it does make us 100%, totally and completely UNEXPLAINED. BAH!

Work has been absolutly INSANE. We have been working on a huge case (that I can't talk about) for the last three months and everything broke this week - my phone has been ringing off the hook! I am exhausted and I don't feel like I am ever going to get caught up on my sleep - PLUS I fired the maids and am now responsible for cleaning the house myself... at least until I hire a new one.

I hope that everyone has plans for a nice Thanksgiving. We are planning to have my parents and Grandfather over and I am going to cook. I will probably spend the rest of the long weekend working and relaxing. Will be back soon for another update - and perhaps I will tell you what has been on my mind!

It's Like A Tide Commercial...

2005-11-15T21:25:00.000-07:00

... in this house every Damn Week! These are the words explained by Husband this evening after we spent twenty minutes cleaning red wine out of the couch, the white carpet, his khaki pants and his tan sweater. Last week the culprit was grease from the door frame of his truck and who knows what it was the week before. I am the master stain remover and it is a darn good thing because Husband and I epitomize Messy Marvin! Anyway, it was a good diversion for a few minutes this evening. So far no positive OPK. I have a scanning ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow morning and hopefully I will be ready for a trigger. I still can't believe I am on try number five.

There is some other news brewing that I am not ready to talk about yet, but promise to share soon!

Four Day Weekends...

2005-11-10T12:15:00.000-07:00

... are the best thing in the world. Tomorrow is a holiday where I work, it was also am supposed to be my day off. So, I took today off instead of tomorrow and ended up with a four day weekend. So far I have done nothing but clear out my work email (25 emails before 10am) and catch up on all of my TiVo'd/DVR'd shows. I still have like five hours to catch up on - geez I watch too much tv!

I am on day eight and looking forward to being done with the Clomid. Husband goes in for his repeat SA tomorrow. Keep you fingers crossed for us that everything comes out wonderful! Next week is IUI #5 and then the wait. God I feel like a broken record sometimes!

I can't believe that it is already November and that we are making plans for Christmas and Thanksgiving. More on those details later... right now I have to cook lunch, clean the kitchen, do the laundry and prep dinner! I am such a busy little beaver!

See ya!

Sorry...

2005-11-07T22:50:00.000-07:00

... I have been busy, Birthday, work, period. Yup - that is right my period hit just in time to ruin my weekend. I took Cl0mid pill number one tonight and have official started Cl0mid/IUI cycle number FIVE! I don't think that I can handle too many more cycles on this protocol and expect big changes next year. I am SO. BURNED. OUT. I hope that you are all well... I suck and haven't been keeping up at all. I know that Zoot had her baby. WOO HOO! And so did Miss W! But beyond that I am behind... very, very, very behind! I have a four day weekend and if I can keep myself from working from home all day on Thursday I will be sure to catch up and update. Thanks to all of you that are sticking around, sorry that I suck :o(

Waiting and Waiting...

2005-10-31T11:59:00.000-07:00

So typical me... I get all excited about sticking with something and then I go and disappear for a few days. I am okay, things are good. I have just been really busy at work and the last thing I want to do when I get home is log back into the computer. So.... yeah, that's that.

On Friday we had our regroup with Dr. Funny. Husband got to go and I was glad that he seemed to like him. He has officially diagnosed us as "unexplained", I fucking hate that word. He mentioned that husbands morp. is on the low side of normal, but is in fact normal. He does not feel that it is necessary for me to move on to injectibles because I "respond beautifully" to cl0mid. So... the plan is to wait four more days to see if I am pregnant (Hope and I are having major battle right now) and if I am not Husband will go in for a repeat SA. If everything is still in the normal range we will continue with the IUI + Cl0mid until the insurance money runs out or I run out of emotional steam. It was hard to hear that either this was going to work or we were going to have to do IVF but I guess it is better to know the truth.

I am home from work today because it is my birthday. That is right today is officially the first day of the last year of my twenties. I have spent the morning catching up on all of my TiVO'd shows from last week and now I am parked on the couch in front of the fireplace jammin' to the music playing on my new iP0d! Tonight we will entertain trick-or-treaters until about 7:00 and then we are off to a nice dinner. Tomorrow it is back to the grind. I hope the week goes fast.

Toodles!

PS - Still no smoking... I think I am over the hump now!

Sticking With It...

2005-10-19T12:57:00.000-06:00

First off, I would like to announce that this is my 100th post. To many this may seem like a trivial thing, but to me it is a big deal. You see, I am the kind of girl that has a hard time sticking with anything. I don't have hobbies, I have a bike that never gets ridden and a gym membership that never gets used. So for me to blog for 8 consecutive months and actually reach 100 posts is a really big thing. Almost as big as not having smoked a cigarette in 25 days, which I haven't because I have will power and I rock and stuff!

Anyway... here is the nitty gritty:

I didn't have a surge yesterday. At least I am pretty sure that I didn't, but I was suffering from some intestinal distress so the whole holding the pee for four hours thing was completely out of the question. I went in this morning for my day 14 ultrasound and we found two beautiful follies on my right side, one at 23mm and one at 26mm. My lining was fantastically plump and squishy and measured 11.5. Since my numbers were so good they decided to trigger me with the hope that it would speed up the process :o) I go in tomorrow at 2:00 for IUI #4. Here's hoping that Husband can produce as nice of numbers this month as I did!

PS - Any suggestions on how to make the GIGANTIC (like the size of my palm) welt on my belly go away? It is so NOT attractive.

Bah...

2005-10-17T21:31:00.000-06:00

...busy Monday, busy weekend... just bought a really bad (good label, bad bottle) bottle of wine.

Not too upset about it because I am about to get GROOOOOVVVVYYYYY with the hubby...

Oh yeah, CD 12, -OPK...

Bleh....

2005-10-13T13:33:00.000-06:00

I could have made it through the day without seeing this.

Um Yeah...

2005-10-10T12:23:00.000-06:00

...it is still snowing:

... and it appears that my previous photo essay may have led some to believe that I like the Yank's... particularly Derek Jeter. This in fact is as far from the truth as possible. I don't like the Yankees even one little bit and while Derek is good looking and definitely do'able.... he plays for the wrong team. It just so happened that he was up to bat when I snapped the picture last night.

I am home because it is Columbus Day and my office is closed today. I had planned to do some work from home but the snow and the gray weather has made me quite lazy. I also have to go to the pharmacy to pick up my Cl0mid sometime today - unless I can convince Husband to stop there on the way home for me.

I am making a gigantic pot of chili and plan to make a rhubarb crunch this afternoon. I wanted to get my links updated this weekend but I forgot to bring the disc that I burned all of my work links onto home :o( Hopefully I will have time sometime this week. There are so many of you out there that I read and need to get added to my list.

Alrighty - well I am off to do some laundry, and some baking, some painting and some napping. Happy Monday!

It's October!!!

2005-10-09T20:46:00.000-06:00

And, it's snowing...

... and we are painting:

This is what I spent Friday night and Saturday on... four coats! Yes, I said FOUR!

And that is what Husband decided to take on at six o'clock this evening...

God bless, corned beef and cabbage, a bottle of wine and baseball playoffs.

What a weekend ladies, what a weekend!

Back soon to give you the full low-down.

Moving on...

2005-10-06T21:05:00.000-06:00

Things at lunch time were not so good - I was in an ugly place. But, work is over now, I have had two large glasses of shiraz, a big old pizza and a good cuddle with my dog - the tears have been dried and now I am ready to move on. Turns out that Nurse Not My Nurse gave me wrong information and a re-group needs to be scheduled prior to CD1. She pretty much screwed me for this cycle and Nurse Nice was very appologetic about it. We are going ahead with the same protocol AGAIN and will schedule a re-group with the RE during my next two week wait.

Sooooo... that is where we are. Not pregnant, busy at work, drinking wine and eating pizza - but NOT smoking. Funny how things change and yet they stay the same.

I am not smiling...

2005-10-06T11:53:00.000-06:00

1. CD1
2. Cramps
3. Busy at work

fuck.

Monday, Monday...

2005-10-03T20:33:00.000-06:00

Happy Monday.  Or something.  Today was an absolutely nutso day at work.  It was the first day of my “new job”.  I am not complaining, but I am a bit concerned that it seems I am getting all sorts of new responsibilities and not giving up very many.  I am all settled into my new workspace.  I had to give up my laptop and am now saddled with the world’s biggest monitor and a desktop.  Again, not complaining, but it is going to take some getting used to.  Please excuse me if I don’t post as frequently or if I fall behind on my comments.  I am really no longer able to check in on you while I am at work and That. SUCKS.

We had a great time this weekend.  Saturday night we spent drinking and dancing at a black tie ball to benefit the Susan G. K0men Breast Cancer Foundati0n.  My mother put the event together and we had a great time.  There were silent and live auctions and Husband bought me a very neat piece of art to hang on the wall in our home.  The crowd was not as large as Mom would have liked, but I think they made some money for a great cause and we certainly had a FANTASTIC time.

Sunday we spent lounging around, watching football and enjoying the beautiful weather.  I finally got to put out my fall decorations!  Next weekend we are going to put down a fall fertilizer and then the weekend following we can shut down the sprinkler system.  I can’t believe that it will be snowing soon.

Today is 12 DPIUI and my ta’s hurt like a Mother – I am also having some pretty severe cramps and am fairly certain that a period is imminent.  On the positive side… I made it through day number 10.  That is right, ten days, the longest I have gone since I was 17 years old.  I can’t believe that I have made it this far!

I Understand the Intent...

2005-09-28T12:54:00.000-06:00

.... but are you f*cking kidding me?

Shitty Weekend...

2005-09-27T21:49:00.000-06:00

Remind me to give you details of our recent vacation weekend in Albuquerque. Here is a preview:

And... since I hate not having a face to go with a name... here is a picture of Husband and I. Look quick, it will come down soon :o)

... you are too late, picture down.

Seven Things...

2005-09-27T21:36:00.000-06:00

Sheryl tagged me… and I finally found time to play!  Enjoy.

Seven things I plan to do before I die…
1.  Raise a family
2.  Visit every major league baseball park in North America
3.  Go on a Mediterranean cruise
4.  Make an impression on someone’s life
5.  Run a marathon
6.  Play golf in Ireland
7.  Own a little house on a big chunk of land in the mountains

Seven things I can do…
1.  Spin really fast and with some style on figure skates
2.  Cook a wicked good meal
3.  Recite the first 45 minutes of Good Will Hunting verbatim
4.  Figure big math problems in my head
5.  P…r…o…c…r…a…s…t…i…n…a...t…e…
6.  Multi-task
7.  Read, really, really fast.

Seven things I cannot do…
(at the present time, because honestly, I can do anything I put my mind to!)
1.  Knit, sew or anything related
2.  Keep up with Husband when we go on a bike ride
3.  Hold a tune
4.  Drive in the dark
5.  Remember the name of bands/artists
6.  Throw a football
7.  Think of anything to add here…

Seven things that attract me to the opposite sex…
1.  Straight, white teeth.
2.  A nice tight behind
3.  Sincerity
4.  Honesty
5.  Sense of humor
6.  Dark hair and eyes
7.  Passion (towards anything)

Seven things I say most often…
1.  Whatever.
2.  Does that make sense?
3.  Husband!!!
4.  Dammit!
5.  What kind of wine do you want?
6.  That’s so not cool.
7. Where’re my girls? (re: my dog and cat when I come home from work)

Seven celebrity crushes…
1.  Matt Damon
2.  Matthew McConaughey
3.  Matt Mantei (Red Sox Pitcher)
4.  Johnny Depp
5.  Josh Hartnett
6.  Josh Lucas
7.  Patrick Dempsy

Seven people I want to do this…
1.  Husband
2.  Z.
3.  ZHL
4.  Kate #2
5.  April
6.  Elle
7.  Mel

4 Down...

2005-09-27T20:29:00.000-06:00

4 days…  I can’t believe that I have made it four freaking days!!! And, I feel great.  Not okay, not good, I feel great.  The cravings are still there (especially right now as I sip on a lovely glass of wine) but they are fewer and farther between.  I drove the whole way to work and didn’t even think about how bad I wanted to smoke – I just jammed out to the radio.  My non-smoking co-workers and friends are super proud of me and very supportive.  I found a cookbook today that I am going to order online.  It is called How to Quit Smoking and Not Gain Weight Cookbook. It looks like it is no longer being printed so I am going have to buy a slightly used version.  I read an article written by the author (who is a nutritionist) and it really peaked my interest.  Hopefully I can get it here before I pack on 100 lbs!

On the TTC front – nothing much new going on.  I am enduring the 2WW the best that I can.  I am very busy at work trying to tie up all the loose ends in my current section so that I can move to my new section on Monday.  I can’t wait to work with a new group of people and to have some new things to do. The biggest bummer about the whole situation is that my new section sits in the shittiest portion of the whole floor – short cubicle walls and COMPLETELY interior.  Not a window in sight!  I am glad that the days are getting shorter, hopefully that will make the transition easier.

Okay – well I am off to watch the season premier of Am*zing Race.  Next up – I promise to answer this tag!

Moving On...

2005-09-26T09:15:00.000-06:00

I made a decision last week to quit my worst habit. I am bitchy beyond belief, I didn't sleep a wink last night and I am STARVING. So far I am taking this on cold turkey - save the occasional visit to Quitnet. We will see what the next few days bring. Tonight I will be hitting the gym because we all know that my metabolism is going to bottom out and the lbs are going to start packing on. Hold my hand virtual friends... this is going to be a hard and scary ride.

PS - I added a ticker to the bottom of my page so I could remind myself how long it has been and why I am doing this.

Deep breath P. - you can do it.

Sorry... and Numbers...

2005-09-21T11:04:00.000-06:00

... I have been away from this for a few days and for that I apologize. Husband and I spent the weekend in NM with his family. It was a great weekend and lots went on. I will post in more detail soon. Work has been crazy hectic! I was given a promotion on Monday - more money, and WAY more responsibility. I am excited about the challenge but the workload may be a bit more than I can chew.

I went in this morning for IUI#3. Here are the numbers:

Lining: 10.5mm
Follies: 2, both on Right. One 23 mm and one 25 mm
Post Wash Count: 10.3 million

The count numbers are a little lower than we would have liked, BUT I have two follies this month instead of one so it should be a wash. Right?! One more US tomorrow to see if I really did release and then I can start the 2WW.

Hope all is well with all of you!

And a Weight Was Lifted Off of Her Shoulders...

2005-09-13T08:36:00.000-06:00

Through my entire battle with infertility there has always been one thing on my mind; how are we going to pay for this? You see, my POS plan doesn't cover infertility except for diagnosis. I have spent the past few months doing research about the programs that were out there, shared risk (my doctor doesn't participate in one), special financing (good rate - but another loan... ICK), loan from family, etc, etc, etc... Husband and I had finally made the decision to go with the financing plan. The interest rate was okay (much better than a credit card) and the payment schedule was something that we could live with. I was okay with this decision, but the idea of going back into debt (been there, done that, very UGLY) weighed so very heavy on my heart. I planned to meet with the financial counselor at my RE next week before the IUI so we could fill out the paperwork and get the ball rolling. Rewind 6 weeks....

In August Husband accepted a promotion within his company. The pay is better, the opportunity to advance is much greater, the hours are more steady and the office is closer to home. The only drawback was that it was a non-union position and we would no longer have free benefits. Yes, I said free. We have been spoiled for seven beautiful years - we have had FANTASTIC health coverage for nothing. When the time came we went over all the available options, the co-pay and deductible schedules, the premium amounts, etc. until we finally decided on the EPO plan. It costs a bit more money than the others available but was the closest plan we could find to our old one. We were happy with our decision. We couldn't use out-of-network doctors, but we had manageable co-pays and no deductibles. The plan took effect on 9/1.

Yesterday on my way home from work I stopped at the local grocery to pick up my Cl0mid and my prenates. When the cashier rang me up the amount was too low. I told her that I thought she had missed a prescription and she insisted that she did not. I asked her if the Cl0mid was accepted by the insurance and she said, "Yes". I asked her if she thought it was a mistake and she emphatically said, "NO". Unable to believe that it wasn't a mistake I RAN (okay I drove, and I only sped a little bit) home and logged onto my insurance company's website. Sure as shit Cl0mid is a covered drug! In a frenzy I went digging for my infertility benefits and this is what I found:

Services for treatment of infertility

100% of eligible expenses up to a maximum of $6,000 per covered person, per calendar year. $12,000 per covered person, per lifetime. Diagnosis and services to treat a medical condition are covered. Injectible drugs are covered through the medical plan. Oral drugs are covered through the prescription plan.

Covered Services:
· Ovulation induction with menotropins
· Artificial Insemination
· Injectible fertility drugs

Can you freaking believe it?! I couldn't! I ran around the house hooting and hollering and scaring the living daylights out of my dog! I swear I just received a $12,000 gift. IVF/ICSI is not covered but at least we have a few more IUI's left to try before we have to bring out the big guns and bury ourselves in debt. Sometimes I just need a reminder that a) everything happens for a reason and b) when God slams a door shut in your face he always opens another one. Happy days ladies, happy, happy days.

Thoughts for my friend...

2005-09-12T08:57:00.000-06:00

... I have an infertile friend that is having a really hard time right now. She is feeling VERY alone in the infertility battle and needs your thoughts and prayers. I know she reads my blog so post a comment to send her some love and tell her she isn't alone!

Friend - like I said in my email, what you are going through right now sucks. I am sorry that you feel so low and so alone. Just remember - I am ALWAYS here for you!

The Next Step...

2005-09-11T19:43:00.000-06:00

What a weekend! Husband's birthday was fantastic. We went to Benihana's for dinner and gorged ourselves on sushi, sake bombers and Japanese food. We were joined by three sets of friends and had a fantastic time. We spent most of Saturday nursing a wicked hangover and managed to do pretty much nothing all day long. I did manage to make it over to my friend Tam's house. She was put together a clothing drive for the Katrina victims that are being housed at one of the defunct air force bases in the town where I live. You can't believe the amount of stuff that she collected! We managed to fill a large moving truck, five SUVs and two pick-ups with clothes and household items. There were tons of people there to help and the whole thing was pretty overwhelming. Today I spent the afternoon going through our closets and cleaning out all the old clothes. I have put together four boxes of stuff to donate in the next drive!

Husband is very excited about opening day for football. The TV has been on non-stop since 11:00 and I think he has managed to catch a few minutes of every game. He is such a child in a candy shop today! The best part is that I broke down and bought him a laptop for his birthday. Like I imagined, he has spent the entire day wired into the network checking on his fantasy team's progress. I finally managed to steal the machine away from him for a few minutes so that I could do an update on my blog. I promise that sometime this week I am going to get my links updated. There are a few that have gone away and I would like to organize them into categories so that my friends that want to avoid reading pregnancy blogs are able to.

That brings me to the TTC update. I am currently CD4 and will start my Cl0mid tomorrow night. We are going to use the same protocol this month that we have been and we are super hopeful that the third try is a charm. If this doesn't work we will do a "re-group" and decide what to do next.

I found out this weekend that three people I know are expecting. My friend J that lives down the street is ~8 weeks along with her first, she got pregnant pretty easy considering her husband is a pilot and is quite frequently away from home. My friend K also managed to get herself knocked. I am pretty excited for her, but she has a very long road ahead of her and will certainly need some prayers. She has a double cervix and will have to be stiched up in the near future to help get her to term. She is also overweight and is already dealing with elevated blood sugar levels and blood pressure, she is currently ~6 weeks. The third person is the nasty, alcoholic, worthless piece of shit that lives next door to a friend of mine. This is her second pregnancy since we have been TTC. She got lucky with her daughter and although she drank and smoked through the whole pregnancy her daughter ended up healthy. I hope that she is as lucky this time around.

I have a crazy work week ahead of me... I will try to check in as much as I can!

Happy Birthday!!!

2005-09-09T18:09:00.000-06:00

To my husband:

You are the most caring and compassionate man that I have ever met. The ten years that we have spent together so far have been wonderful and I am a better person with you in my life. It brings me joy to wake up to your face ever morning. Thank you for being such a rock for me. I look forward to celebrating many, many more birthdays with you!

Happy Birthday - I LOVE YOU.

Your Wife.

Day One Again...

2005-09-08T10:42:00.000-06:00

I am pretty bummed out this morning. It didn't work again. Perhaps the third try will be a charm.

It's September Already?!

2005-09-01T08:40:00.000-06:00

Sorry I have been AWOL. Things at work have been crazy, I came down with a killer cold, and I feel like the last week has just WIZZED by! I guess that is a good thing since I am in the 2WW. No news yet. Can't test until 9/7. Still keeping my fingers crossed. Hope you are all well - I feel so out of the loop because I haven't been able to read up on you in a bit! Will be back soon for a more in depth post.

Climbing the First Hill...

2005-08-24T13:09:00.000-06:00

When I was twelve I spent a week in California with a sports team that I was involved with. Once the competition was over we got to spend a couple of days touring the sites, hitting the beach, and going to The Big Theme Park. I remember that we went on a weekday so it wasn’t completely packed and since we didn’t have anything to do the next day we were allowed to stay until the park closed. As the night drew on the crowds dwindled down and the lines got shorter and shorter. A group of us girls decided that we would ride The Big Rollercoaster as many times as we could before the park closed. I remember the anticipation building as we stood in line. I remember the fear bubbling up in my stomach as we climbed that first big hill and the rush of adrenaline that coursed through my veins as we went sailing down the backside. I remember the dizzying effects of the corkscrew and the nauseas feeling in the pit of my gut as we flew over the little bumps. At the end I remember the crushing disappointment of the car returning to the station and the ride being over. What I remember most is that the feelings and emotions that I experienced were exactly the same the first time and the last.

I feel like each cycle is another ride on The Big Rollercoaster, filled with hills and corkscrews and little bumps. This cycle isn’t any easier than the first, and if I remove myself from today I realize that it really isn’t any harder either, the hills and bumps and corkscrews have just been rearranged. Today I get anxious about follicle size and sperm counts, where the first cycle I was anxious about EWCM and rising temperatures. Today my nausea stems from the fertility drugs and not the prenatal vitamins. The worst part is that first cycle or last, rearranged or the same, the ending has always been the same - disappointing.

Thank you to each and every one of you that has commented or sent me emails and well wishes. I really and truly appreciate your support. I hope that your wishes and thoughts all come true, that this is my last ride on the TTC rollercoaster, and that I am not dissapointed when it is over.

Two Notches on the Headboard...

2005-08-23T10:06:00.000-06:00

IUI #2 is done. Things looked really good. I had a nice dark surge last night on my OPK and went in this morning for an ultrasound and the IUI. Here are the numbers:

Lining - 11
Follies = 1, left side 28mm
Post Wash Count = 24 mil

I will go back in tomorrow for a release scan and then the two week wait can officially begin. Things are so busy at work that I should be able to keep myself distracted, at least Monday-Friday :o)

Blonde and Bloated...

2005-08-22T07:13:00.000-06:00

Why do weekends fly by so quickly? I can’t believe it is Monday again!

I heart my hairstylist. She did a FANTASTIC job of turning me back into a sassy blonde without making it look like I was trying to be a sassy blonde. I felt a bit like a zebra on Friday afternoon, but by Saturday morning I was used to the look and I love it!

Friday afternoon I spent shopping by myself (HATE IT) for a fancy-shmancy dress to wear to a friends wedding on Saturday night. By 4:00 I was at home in tears, downing a bottle of wine with no dress in hand. I always forget about the 5-10lb bloat that occurs when I take Clomid. Shopping for clothes while two sizes bigger than normal = BAD! Husband got home from work at 7:00 and we went back out together. I finally settled on a knee length, black strapless number that fit like a glove (ie. No over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder required) and did a nice job of hiding the pooch. Husband bought a new sport coat, a new shirt, and a new tie. I must say… we looked HOT!

The wedding on Saturday was fun. A very short ceremony followed by delicious hor’dourves and OPEN. BAR. The company was great and there were a few people there that I had not seen in a very long time.

Yesterday I got to take a nap with all the windows open and a cool breeze blowing through the house. Fall is upon us and I can’t wait!

Tomorrow I go in for a monitoring ultrasound. Hopefully there are a couple of good-looking follies in there. My OPK last night was dark, but not positive. I am thinking IUI will be tomorrow or Wednesday. Hold on folks the rollercoaster is about to leave the station.

An Update and Rambling...

2005-08-18T16:17:00.000-06:00

Tonight I take my last Clomid pill. I am glad to be finished with them. I hate taking pills and anything over my one vitamin a day freaks me out. No major goings on with me… I went in for a visit with the Wand Monkey after my period disappeared on day two. Nurse Not My Normal Nurse (who I had to talk to because Nurse NAN had to run off and get married and was on her honeymoon – how dare she?!) was concerned that something may be amiss. My normal WM was also on vacation (apparently they were between IVF cycles and the whole staff took advantage of the situation and went on vacation) and I was greeted (30 minutes late) by Big Momma WM – who had the personality of cow, no sense of humor and a not so gentle touch. I don’t know much as Big Momma WM was not forthcoming with information like Normal WM. Here is the sum total of what I got out of her “hmmmm…. Lining is thin, less than 1… oh looks like we have something over here but it is less than ten so you are okay to proceed”. Nice… I pay $210 bucks and that is what I get. Ah, bahhh… it is my only complaint about the RE’s office so far and I am very hard to please.

Things at work are busy. Good, but busy. I have not had much time to post lately and for that I apologize. One good thing about being on the road all the time was the unlimited Internet/blogging time I had in the evenings. Now that I am at home I have to be social and cook dinner and clean the house and stuff. I guess I shouldn’t complain – at least I am home with Husband. We have discussed getting a laptop so that we can sit in the living room and play on the Internet (our whole house is wired so all we have to do is plug in and go). I think we should probably hold of until after football season though, I can only imagine the conversations that will ensue:

Husband: Can I have the laptop? I need to check my fantasy football team.

P.: In a minute, I am in the middle of publishing a post.

Husband: Can’t that wait? [insert football player/team name] just scored and I need to know if I am winning RIGHT NOW.

P.: Does it really matter if you are winning RIGHT NOW? Isn’t it the final score on Tuesday night that matters? (Dog wakes up from her nap and looks at us – she hates when we bicker)

Husband: No, it is the score right now. If [insert football player/team name] does [insert action] then [insert fantasy football opponent name here] might get ahead and I will need [insert football player/team name] to do [insert action] for me to win. (Franticly switches between the picture in picture and the two different receivers on the cable box to make sure that he isn’t missing any action)

P.: You are obsessed. Just because you know what needs to happen doesn’t mean you can will it to happen.

Husband: Maybe it does – I’m going upstairs to check my score.

P.: Good. I win.

I am one of those girls that can sit through a long scoreless baseball game and never lose interest, but football puts me to sleep in minutes.

Tomorrow is my day off. I am going to get my hair highlighted for the first time in three years. It didn’t turn very blonde this summer and I have decided that it is time to resort to chemicals to get back to that light, fun and sassy color that I used to be. Saturday we have a wedding to go to and Sunday starts OPK hell. Wish me luck and have a fun weekend if I don’t check back.

Where is my pot of gold...?

2005-08-11T07:24:00.000-06:00

Rain always seems to bring out the worst in the drivers that live in my city. Yesterday was no exception. It took me over an hour to get home from work, but at least I had something beautiful to look at while I sat in traffic:

There are actually two rainbows there, the dark control rainbow and the light second rainbow... and I swear it isn't an evaporation rainbow! The sky is definitely pregnant! (Sorry, that joke was really bad, but I just couldn't resist!)

This morning I woke with a raging headache. I suppose it could be the hormones, but I am thinking it probably has more to do with the two and a half glasses of GN Shiraz that I had last night! I also seem to be having another cycle like this one?! I think I will bring it up with Nurse NAN when she calls me today. I just think it is weird to have a 33 day cycle and virtually no bleeding.

49 and 5...

2005-08-10T08:47:00.000-06:00

So the start of a new cycle this morning didn't suprise me. Hope and I had a battle yesterday afternoon, but by the evening she had scurried back into her little hole, beaten and bruised. Today I will call Nurse NAN and go over my dates for this cycle. I will also ask her to refill my prenatal prescription, which fittingly I completly ran out of last night. So, onward and upward. Today signifies the start of cycle number 49 and year number five. Bartender?! I need a drink!

Knock, knock....

2005-08-09T08:33:00.000-06:00

Edited: Badlands is back up and running - pop on over and visit her!

I'm Home...

2005-08-08T11:37:00.000-06:00

... and Dead. Tired. It is amazing how much traveling can take it out of you. I made it to our weekend destination safe and sound Thursday evening and the weekend was fun. I wouldn't call it relaxing (we were constantly on the go) but the scenery was beautiful and the weather was perfect. The drive home yesterday took two hours longer than it should have and I failed to get anything done last night. It was nice to sleep in my own bed and to cuddle with my dog and cat. I had missed them something fierce. Today I am back at work, at my desk, in my office, in my home town. I am a very, very happy girl.

I am still in the 2WW - I suppose the second OPK was the positive one and that I am now 15 DPO. This is about to go down as the longest non-medicated cycle I have had since going off of BCP four years ago. The ta's are super sore and I expect the end to come first thing tomorrow. I guess I will just have to wait and see.

Enough...

2005-08-03T19:45:00.000-06:00

In a desperate effort to cut my 2WW down to a 1WW I brought work back to the hotel with me:

Can you think of a better set up? Too bad I can't spend all 40 hours of the work week like this. Of course, if I did I would be a big fat alcoholic... but I would be happy :o) I am busting my ass trying to get all my work done so that I can go to Steamboat tomorrow afternoon and GO HOME on Sunday with Husband - For. Good.

Keep you fingers crossed for me. Gotta go get some grub and another beer. I am cashed out.

A Different 2WW...

2005-08-01T20:30:00.000-06:00

I am on the road yet again. Today is, however, the first day of a different kind of two week wait. The end of this two week wait is certain to bring me joy - as it will bring and end to the endless travel that has been my life since April. Yes, that is right. In exactly 11 days I get to crawl into my bed at home knowing that the joy will not be short lived, knowing that I will not have to hit the highway again on Monday morning. Ahhh - the end is in sight and I am so relieved.

As for the other 2WW, it too is coming to an end. I don't expect the end to fill me with the same type of joy that the other will, but at least we can move on and I won't have to worry about travel and work interfering with my reproductive plans. I am either 8 or 11 DPO today. I am not quite sure as I had a bit of OPK confusion this month. I am leaning towards 11 DPO. The girls are getting sore and the twinges have started. I have packed plenty of black pants and ugly under00's just in case ;o) If things come to an end before CD5 of my next cycle I will have to make arrangements with Nurse NAN to have my prescription filled in the town I am working in. I don't expect it to be a problem but it is just one more thing to worry about.

Husband and I get to go here this weekend. We aren't actually going for the wine festival, but I would like to stop in for at least one tasting if we can. The hotel that we are staying at is absolutely beautiful and a large step up from our meager accommodations last year. Have I mentioned that I am a total hotel snob?! Oh yes, the worst - Husband constantly makes fun of me for it.

Lots of good things going on in the infertile blogging world. I am so happy for all of the ladies out there that have made it to the next step, whatever that step may be for them.

Can you believe it is August? This will definitely go down in my book as the summer that wasn't.

Alright, time for bed. Over and out.

Something to do on a rainy Tuesday...

2005-07-26T09:57:00.000-06:00

It is raining! YIPPPEEE!!! I am so over the high temperatures and the dry weather. Today it is cloudy, raining and the high is only 70!! Woooo Hooooo!

So, which Housewife are you?

I am Lynette.

Spam or Smart Marketing...?

2005-07-25T15:32:00.000-06:00

I received the following email today:

Hi there, Here is a great book , I think you maybe would be interested in, Infertility Related Book, written by Author, Co-Author and Co-Author, this book was just released by Large Publishing Company. You could comment this book on your blog and share with your readers. Please send me your mailing address, I will send you a copy. Attachment is the detailed info about this book. Thanks

The email is signed with a full name and the address for the publicity department of the Large Publishing Company (Confirmed by my best friend Mr. Google). I have not opened the attachment which is a MSW0rd document.

Now, I am certainly not going to respond to this person via email, but I thought I might print the email out and mail it directly to the publishing company's address. What do you think? I am usually not one to turn down free reading material...

-/+/-/+....

2005-07-25T09:07:00.000-06:00

I am back from HOT Arizona. The services for my grandfather were beautiful. Bless the people who worked so hard to put it together and a huge Thank You! to the local Honor Guard and chapter of the American Legion.

As you know I took an OPK on Tuesday night and it wasn't quite positive. This excited me greatly since I was still out of town. On Wednesday evening I took another OPK and it looked positive - the test line was thinner than the reference, but as dark. On Thursday before I left for Arizona I took another OPK and it was clearly negative. Husband and I had a least given it a shot and I left for the desert feeling happy that we had not completely missed the boat.

Saturday morning I realized that something was amiss. I went to the restroom and realized that I had hit the proverbial TTC jackpot - tons of EWCM. Thinking that it must be a fluke I restricted my fluids, waited four hours and peed on yet another OPK - it was positive almost instantly. Unfortunately, Saturday was a crazy day and we weren't able to to get to business but we made time on Sunday - hopefully we weren't too late. I am pretty sure that I ovulated late yesterday afternoon. I had the typical cramping/pressure on one side (the right side this time) that subsided within a few hours.

Finally, a couple questions for those of you who take prescription prenatal vitamins... What kind do you take? Do you like them? and why? I have been taking PrimaCare for three years, but I have a hard time remembering to take both every day. My RE gave me a bunch of samples, but they are almost gone and I need to make a decision on which kind I want him to call in. Your assvice is appreciated.

Why I Eat Dinner Sans Shirt...

2005-07-20T08:25:00.000-06:00

Exhibit A:
White t-shirts are a magnet for red food stuff... red wine, nectarine juice, spaghetti sauce, bbq sauce. You name it. If I try to eat it while wearing a white shirt I will spill it all over myself.

Exhibit B:
Apparently, so are plaid pants.

Exhibit C:
The end result is having to wash your clothes in the hotel sink. See, I should have just remained t0pl3ss! Oh yeah, and the OPK wasn't quite positive yet. Hooray for me!

It's Jakes Fault...

2005-07-19T20:45:00.000-06:00

Tonight I decided that I just couldn't take another meal from a restaurant. I wandered around the grocery store for thirty minutes before I finally called my dad and asked for some suggestions. I heart my daddy - he always has such wonderful ideas. I give you exhibit A, my meal:

Looks good doesn't it. It consists of the following:

1. One bag of Uncle Ben's Ready Rice - Whole Grain Brown flavor (yes, I am eating it out of the bag - I couldn't find a plate to pilfer - but I did manage to find a fork)

2. One bottle of Kikkoman Soy Sauce - for the rice because I don't have any butter or salt

3. One chunk of Virginia Ham... mmmm ham is delicious and nutritious :o)

4. One bag of Stringless Sugar Snap Peas

5. One tomato - to be eaten like an apple... if you have never done this you need to try. SO. GOOD!

6. One nectarine for desert; and

7. A bottle of Jakes Fault to wash it down with. (I hadn't had a California Shiraz that I liked until this one)

All of this coupled with a good episode of Sex and the City on TBS (the one where Steve and Miranda meet and where Samantha almost bops the old guy with the droopy old man ass) and I am a happy little girl. I bought Harry Potter this weekend and I am working on it. Damn work and traveling has kept me away from it so far. Tomorrow I climb in my car and make the four+ hour journey home for a night with my husband before I get on a plane for the tortuous oven that they call Phoenix. Some days I can't believe that I lived there for as long as I did.

There isn't much going on with me this cycle. I am just waiting patiently for it to be over so that we can move on to another IUI. I am going to do an OPK at some point this evening but I am hoping that it isn't positive yet. Husband and I have 24 hours together from tomorrow evening until Thursday afternoon, so I would much rather it be positive tomorrow. Asking for too much? Probably, but oh well - if you don't ask...

Oh, and before I say good night and dive into my book please keep my little friend Suz close to your heart right now. She is having a rough go of it and is taking a moment for herself, but I want her to know that I am thinking about her... and I am here if she needs me.

Oh - and all of this is taking place while I hang out in nothing but my dress pants and my over-the-shoulder-"not quite boulders"-holder... bwwwaaaaahahahahah. I don't know why I found that funny enough to mention - but I did.

Peace out folks.

Hump day...

2005-07-13T18:22:00.000-06:00

... but not humping day because I am still far, far away from home.

I made it through Wednesday. All and all the week has been pretty uneventful. I am bored (not that I don't have a ton to do, it is all just really boring) and my co-workers are driving me crazy! I w on't go into detail here - but suffice it to say... THEY SUCK and they are making my life harder than it already is.

Geesh - I just have nothing to say this fine evening. It is hotter than a mother outside and I am going to hold up in my air conditioned room, catch up on some blogging and eat my typical on the road meal.

Here I am...

2005-07-11T21:47:00.000-06:00

Finally, I have a chance to sit down and clear my head! I should preface this message by telling you that I have had almost a whole bottle of this:

Also, I am watching the most hilarious episode of this! God bless high speed internet and cable in the hotel.

As far as the me update... arrangements have FINALLY been made for my grandfather. The family is doing it up right and giving him the full military burial that he deserves and I will be attending. The sacrifice? This cycle. Unfortunately I will be two states away during ovulation. I have left my Clomid stranded at the pharmacy and my ovaries are sleeping soundly. I can't believe that I am taking ANOTHER BREAK! Husband won't be traveling with me (it's going to be a Daddy/Daughter event) and I will be out of town for work the four days before I leave so there is pretty much no chance this month.

I have decided that Nurse Needs A Nickname deserves a medal! I left her a message this morning indicating that I would be taking the cycle off and that I would call her at the start of the next. She called me back at 5:30 this evening to make sure that I was "okay" and to see if "I needed to talk". I heart her and if I ever see her out I will buy her a drink.

I got one of those phone calls that every infertile dreads today.... the "oops, pull and pray doesn't work that well and I am pregnant" call. Yup. Couldn't believe it. I love my friend and I am sure that she will be a great mom, but are you fucking kidding me?!

Seems like there are good things going on out there! I am SOOOOOOO happy for Julie! PS - I want the name of your agency, can you email it to me? And, one of my internet infertile friends delivered a healthy baby girl late last week. Congrats Tiff! And my real life friend Cajun is FINALLY getting married! I am so happy for her and I love her fiance - he ROCKS - even if it took him FOREVER to take the plunge :o)

Good news for me? Seems my insurance covered all of my last cycle except the Clomid, the wash, and the insemination. Cha-Ching... I am all about the $300 IUI! My pocket book hearts insurance loopholes :o) What are the chances that will happen again?

CSI is a re-run... and it is just WRONG to have this movie on ABC! Everything good about the movie is edited out - is just way to crass to make it on a major network. On the upside... my favorite movie is on A&E tomorrow.

Enough rambling... I suppose I should unpack my bag and get into bed. Ah... and the bottle is now OH SO EMPTY!!!

Busy...

2005-07-11T13:53:00.000-06:00

... things have been busy. I have lots to update on but work is crazy. Am traveling again. Will try to post from the hotel tonight.

Because I have nothing important to say...

2005-07-07T13:27:00.000-06:00

You Are Strawberry Ice Cream

A bit shy and sensitive, you are sweet to the core.
You often find yourself on the outside looking in.
Insightful and pensive, you really understand how the world works.
You are most compatible with chocolate chip ice cream.

What Flavor Ice Cream Are You?

I don't have much to say today. I am very sad about this and this, and my problems seem silly right now. So, in honor of it being over 90 degrees today - an ice cream poll. Please come back and let me know what flavor you are!

Second verse, same as the first...

2005-07-06T07:10:00.000-06:00

... BBT = 97.22, FRED = Negative, Period = Imminent.

On to another cycle. This one should look just like last. I don't think Dr. Funny is going to want to change my protocol at all. I need to get my financing lined up, we can pay for almost everything in cash, but I don't want to put the balance on a credit card. I HATE revolving credit debt!

Please keep my friend Jamila and her friend's family in your thoughts! They are going through a parents worst nightmare right now.

Oh - and give my friend Anne some love... she just started her own blog. She is a sweet girl and has been a great source of support for me over the past couple of months!

The weekend...

2005-07-05T07:32:00.000-06:00

Well, first things first, I managed NOT to pee on anything this weekend. Resisting temptation was hard, but Husband really wanted me to wait until tomorrow, so I am going to. Hope is fading away. My boobs are not nearly as sore today as they were on Saturday which is usually a sign that the bleeding is about to begin. We will see what the next couple of days brings.

Our holiday weekend was pretty good until yesterday. Friday night we went out for Sushi with some friends, Saturday I went and got a pedicure and went to the driving range and we had some friends over for dinner. Sunday we played golf in the morning and watched movies ALL afternoon and evening! Yesterday we slept in, had a good breakfast, took a nap, had some dinner and went up on the hill by our house to watch the fireworks. Overall it was a peaceful and relaxing weekend. We did get some sad news that my grandfather passed away yesterday morning. He has been very ill with Parkinson's disease for many, many years so it wasn't completely unexpected. But still, it hits you in the gut when it finally happens. Arrangements are being made today and I need to decide if I am going to travel to services or not. I haven't decided yet.

So, a question for you all. Have any of you financed your infertility? Anyone tried this program? Anyone have any suggestions for other programs? My RE doesn't participate in any type of shared-risk program so that option is out... BUMMER! I know these are very personal questions so if you choose to respond and don't want to post a public comment please feel free to email me directly.

Eating my words...

2005-07-01T15:17:00.000-06:00

... you know that comment I posted this morning, the one about wanting to know everything because it helped me stay in control of my emotions? No? Okay, here it is. I am eating my words now. Here are the numbers:

7DPO Progesterone = 33

10DPO Progesterone = 21

Now, Dr. Google tells me that these numbers are good, and Nurse Needs a Nickname told me that there was no problem with today's being lower than Tuesdays as long as they were both over 10. I guess my brain is jut having a hard time wrapping itself around the idea that this isn't a problem... I mean numbers are supposed to be going UP at this point, aren't they?

Damn, damn, damn... resisting the urge to pee on something this weekend is going to be hard!

Happy 4th to all my US readers. Stay safe and have fun!

Thank you...

2005-07-01T07:49:00.000-06:00

Thank you all for your nice comments and warm wishes. Yesterday was a rough day, but I had a good cry last night and I feel better today. Today I went in for my second Progesterone draw and I will have my numbers for both Tuesday and today sometime this afternoon. I love the phlebotomist at my RE's office! She has done two of my recent blood draws and I haven't felt the needle either time. I also haven't bruised which I ALWAYS do!

I am still exhausted and really don't want to be at work today. At least it is Friday and I have a three day weekend! Woo hoo!! I am trying to talk Husband into painting something in our not-so-new-anymore house. I am thinking we will start with the kitchen or the downstairs powder room...

Blue...

2005-06-30T12:17:00.000-06:00

I am a little blue today and need to vent. I guess this whole thing is probably catching up to me. The reality that I just spent over $1K on something that may or may not have worked has hit me like a ton of bricks. It isn't just the money, I am really regreting being such a blabber mouth to my friends about what we are doing. I thought that it would be better to have their support than to leave them in the dark, but now I realize that they don't understand. As much as they all want to be supportive and comforting, their comments and questions hurt more than they help. I am trying to be sympathetic to their ignorance... I mean this is their first 2WW and I have had over 40! I just can't deal... I have turned my cell phone on vibrate and am not answering it unless it is Husband. I am tired and can't seem to get enough sleep. I think I am sinking into a small depression. I feel like my life is out of my control and I hate it! Damn.

Omaha and Iowa... a recap

2005-06-29T07:22:00.000-06:00

I promised detail on our recent trip so here we go...

Husband left for Omaha on Wednesday evening. He had a meeting to attend Wednesday night so he went a day earlier than I did. Sending him by himself almost ended up to be a huge mistake. We figured out when he was on the way to the airport that he didn't have a current credit card with him. We only use our credit cards for travel so we are not used to checking the expiration dates. I knew that checking into the hotel with nothing more than a debit card wasn't going to be a problem but I was concerned about him being able to pick up the rental car. I called Thrifty and their customer service staff was rude and completely unwilling to listen to our dilemma or try to help us come up with a solution. I finally broke down and called the credit card company and they were really helpful. They told us to have him call when he got to the rental car counter and they would authorize whatever amount was necessary to get him the car. Everything worked itself out in the end, but the process took so long that he ended up missing his Wednesday night meeting.

I had decided at the beginning that I would fly into Omaha on Thursday night so as to not have to miss any time from work. I didn't realize when I made my reservations that ASU was going to make it so deep in the college world series. By 10:00 am on Thursday morning I was so antsy to get to Omaha in time to watch my boys play ball that I skipped out on work, headed to the airport and jumped on a standby flight into Omaha. I made it there in time to go to the game (by myself - Husband had things to do) and watch the Sun Devils get beat. I was bummed that they lost, but happy to have made it in time to see them play.

Friday was pretty uneventful. We slept in and went to Husbands 12:45 appointment. When we got back to the hotel we took a nap, went to dinner with some old friends that live down I80 in Lincoln and returned to the hotel for some gambling and hanging out with friends. We set a wake-up call for 5:30 (Husband had a 6:00am appt.) and went to bed.

Saturday at 6:21 the cell phone rang and one of our friends inquired about our whereabouts. Seems we never got our wake-up call and had overslept. We ran out the door after throwing on some clothes and hurried on down the street. We returned to the hotel for yet another nap (are you seeing a recurrent theme here?) and then dressed to go to game one of the championship bracket for the CWS. It had rained all morning on Saturday so Husband and I both dressed for the game in t-shirts and jeans. Big mistake. BIG. HUGE. By the time we arrived at the game and snaked through the hour long general admission line the temperature had raised to a whopping 94 degrees and the humidity was unbelievable. I thought I was going to die. I told Husband that I either 1) was going to cut the legs off of my jeans, 2) was going to buy some overpriced shorts, or 3) was going back to the air-conditioned hotel. I ended up going with option number 2 and Husband and I both ended up with a pair of NCCA licensed athletic shorts at the discount price of $54.00! We had a great time at the game and then retired to the hotel where we set at 4:30am wake-up call for Sunday morning. One of our friends was sharing a room with us and his flight left at 7:00.

Sunday morning we woke at 5:25 to someone banging on our door. Seems that the wake-up call didn't come in again and our little buddy was about to miss his flight. He got out the door with lightening speed and Husband and I settled in for a bit more shut eye. We woke up about 10:00 and headed downstairs for a chat with the manager and some breakfast. The manager was a doll!! I heart him!!! He didn't charge us for Saturday night and upgraded Husband and I too a two room suite for our last night. It was beautiful and romantic. It had a whirlpool tub for two in the bedroom and a beautiful living room and wet bar area. We spent the afternoon relaxing in our cool new digs and drinking wine. We had a romantic dinner for two (crab legs and the best. steak. ever) and headed back to the room for some shut-eye before our early am flight on Monday.

All in all it was a great trip - quick and simple, with a little unexpected romance thrown in at the end.

Oh yeah - and I got to see a firefly... which I have never seen in my life and might just be the coolest bug ever! Like have said before - it takes very little to amuse me.

My destructive and camera shy dog.

2005-06-28T14:37:00.000-06:00

EDITED: I think I have given you the wrong impression of my beautiful little girl. She stopped destroying our things about the time that she turned one. Now she just destroys the toys that we buy her. She her little stuffed reindeer toy - yup that is what she destroyed. Whithin minutes of pulling it out of her stocking (this was taken on Christmas morning).

I'm back...

2005-06-28T07:28:00.000-06:00

Our quick little trip was great. We had a nice time, watched some great baseball and somehow managed to survive the heat and humidity. I am working on catching up on all my reading. It looks like there was some good news this weekend!

I went in for my 7 DPIUI progesterone draw this morning. I go in again on Friday and they will call me with my numbers for both on Friday afternoon. I am surviving this 2WW better than I had expected. I am sure that five days away from home helped.

I will post more about our trip soon (hopefully later today)!

Confirmation...

2005-06-22T07:25:00.000-06:00

The ultrasound this morning confirmed that both of my follies ruptured yesterday. I am so relieved! I was having a total panic attack this morning and was so concerned that I hadn't ovulated and that I had just thrown $285 bucks down the drain. I am very relieved...

The specs...

2005-06-21T07:16:00.000-06:00

I made it through my first IUI. Nothing to it. It wasn't bad at all. I really like Dr. Funny's nurse, I will have to come up with a funny nick name for her! She was training a new nurse so I had two people to attend to me today. I did my ultrasound first and they found two mature follies, one at 28mm and one at 18mm. Nurse Needs A Funny Nickname said that the 28mm one would definitely release an egg and she was fairly confident that the 18mm one would too. My lining was "perfect" at 8.5 with multiple layers. This was the ting I was most concerned about so this news brought me great relief. Husband gets an A+ for his performance, final numbers post-wash, 22.03 million at 90% motility. WOOO HOOO!! I have to go back in tomorrow morning for one more ultrasound to confirm ovulation and then two blood draws next week to check my progesterone levels. They don't want me to HPT until July 6th. Boy is that a LONG time away!

All and all I feel pretty good about everything. Now we just wait. Thank you all for your warm wishes!

Edited: I think I have Husbands numbers wrong, he had 51 million post wash with 90% motility, resulting in "22.03 million motile sperm". I am still not sure I am reading that correctly, but regardless the numbers look okay, right?!

Yippeee...

2005-06-20T18:03:00.000-06:00

Woo hoo! I surged tonight. Off I go to have my first IUI bright and early in the morning. I am really excited that my body cooperated and that I didn't have to trigger. Now I just have to cross my fingers and hope that my lining is good enough to go ahead tomorrow. I was scheduled for an ultrasound at 8:00 so my IUI should be right around that time. Husband is going to go at 7:00 when they open. Whew... I just don't know what to think.

Note to self...

2005-06-20T17:38:00.000-06:00

... do not try to fake it whilst having a quickie with Husband in the MRI machine!

I Heart....

2005-06-20T07:43:00.000-06:00

... the nice man who just pushed a little old ladies broken-down car into a parallel parking spot on a very busy street downtown. Thanks for reminding me today that kind people do exist.

... my new purse which is big and holds everything but the kitchen sink!

... finishing a great book and getting to start a new one (side-bar to be updated soon!)

... being on CD13 and just a couple of days away from having some hope again.

Please...

2005-06-19T10:07:00.000-06:00

So Husband and I went out to dinner last night at the Black Eyed Pea (so NOT just for old people anymore). It was freezing in the restaurant so I went out to the car to get a jacket. I asked Husband to order me a beer. When I returned from the car he told me that the "tween" (you can serve liquor at 18 in my state) refused to bring my beer until he saw me. I can respect this, I am all about a responsible alcohol policy, and so I wait. A few minutes later he drops of my husband's drink and says, "You want a Corona", I say "yes, please" and he BARKS - no exaguration, "ID!", and something came over me and I barked back in my shitiest, meanest voice, "id, please?!" He got all offended and flustered after I verbally bitch slapped him - especially because his manager was standing right behind him and heard the whole thing! We got in the car to head home and hour later and Husband and I were still laughing about it. We were talking about how I usually just sit there dumbfounded and am never quick enough to put someone back in their place. Husband finally determined, and I think I agree, that it was pure Clomid rage.

So, to the tween with the spiky hair and the poor manners, I am sorry that I raged at you and got you in trouble with your boss. You should thank my husband next time you see him for the tip, because it wasn't what I was going to leave you with.

Rants and Question...

2005-06-17T07:22:00.000-06:00

First - If you choose to buy a gas guzling 4x4, lower it and put big fat tires on it... take a driving lesson and learn how to keep said big fat tires in your own lane! Why anyone in this state would do that to a 4x4 is beyond me... I can't imagine that it does well in the snow and ice.

Second - It is not polite to go to Starbucks in the height of the morning rush with orders from ten of your co-workers and they pay for them SEPERATELY! Do you have any idea how late you made me for work yesterday you little winch?

My question is this... I am CD10 and just finished my Clomid last night. Usually on Clomid I am drier than the Arizona desert in July. This month, not so much (check the chart if you want details). I am concerned that my little body is going to push out an egg too soon and I am going to miss it but I think I heard that OPK's can give false positives if taken too close behind the drugs? I am not supposed to start my OPK's until Sunday but I want to start tonight. Any suggestions?

I can not tell a lie...

2005-06-16T06:32:00.000-06:00

I spent some time talking this over with Husband yesterday and he advised me to just be honest. I thought about it for a while and decided that he was right. I work in a very small section, of a medium sized division, of a large department, of a HUGE organization. My little section is pretty close. There are only five of us, one boss and four employees and we work as a team. I just decided that it was going to stress me out more to hide the truth from Boss than it would to just spill - so I did, and he was very supportive. I feel much better to have it off of my chest.

HELP!

2005-06-15T11:18:00.000-06:00

I am having to request little bits of time away from work at least once a week in order to get in for my monitoring appointments, blood work, etc. Should I tell my boss what is going on or just let him think I am dying of some crazy disease? I have to tell him it is "medical" or I have to use my annual leave and I don't want to do that. URGH! What have you done?

And we bitch about the 2WW...

2005-06-14T13:39:00.000-06:00

... thank God I am not a Panda!

And the verdict is...

2005-06-14T08:17:00.000-06:00

NORMAL!

I finally got my test results at 6:00 last night. Bless the little RN's heart - she was working late trying to get caught up! So here they are:

FSH = 6
Prolactin = 8.5
E2= 60
TSH = 1.63

According to Dr. Google and Dr. Funny all of my numbers fall within the good-normal range! I am very excited about this. They don't have my CBC results back, but will call me with them when they come in.

I am on day three of my Clomid. I take it at night before bed to minimize the side effects, but WOW let me tell you about the crazy hot flash I had in the car this morning... sweaty, sweaty, sweaty! Good thing I layered on the Degree!

I have tons to do today at work... ugh!

Ah they joys of being home...

2005-06-13T08:12:00.000-06:00

1. I get to sleep in my own bed.
2. I get to cuddle with my dog my cat and Husband.
3. I don't have to eat out (my waistline is suffering from all the travel).
4. I am not living out of a suitcase.
5. I can tend to my garden and work around the house.

While all of the above are great I forgot how nice it was to have a one minute (literally) commute and to have someone else make me breakfast and coffee. Oh well, I made it in today and only a couple of minutes after 8:00. Must. Drink. Coffee. NOW!

I took my first Clomid pill last night and hopefully I will get my test results from Friday sometime this afternoon.