Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Adios, arrivederci, auf wiedersehen, au revoir, sayonara, goodbye…
n. a farewell remark; “they said their good-byes”

I have been thinking about writing this post since our IVF cycle failed and I have started writing it three or four times with no success. Today I am committed to seeing this post through to completion.

We had a re-group with the RE and the embryologist earlier this month. We got to see pictures of my immature, and not very pretty eggs and we went through the “cycle by the numbers” speech. I had fantastic Estrodial numbers, right where they want them to be on trigger day. They loved the number and size of follicles that I had and they are positive that I didn’t screw up the trigger. All in all they have no idea what went wrong or why, but there is a really, really good chance that it will happen again. I guess we didn’t learn anything at our appointment except that this portion of our journey is over. We can not, or should I say are not willing to, spend so much money on something with such very low odds. I was okay with plunking down 16K on 50% odds, but our odds on a repeat cycle are so low that they will not even give me a number.

For now Husband and I need a break and we are taking one. I am focusing really hard on other things in my life – job, friends, family, home. I am trying to step out of the little box that I have been trapped in for the better part of five years and remember that there is more to life and to a marriage than having children. Sure, deep down I am dying inside, I feel like a failure and I am disappointed at the hand of cards that I have been dealt, but I am dealing with it. Neither Husband nor I are interested in using donor eggs, and for now we have taken adoption off the table. I need some time to heal, to get to a point where I do not resent the pregnant women at the grocery store and where I do not cry in the baby section of Target. I need to learn to answer the question, “When are you going to have children?” honestly instead of elusively, and I need to accept that this is not anyone’s fault.

For me the first step, regrettably, towards healing is to withdraw from a community that I have felt so much love from. I respect each and every one of you and I appreciate your kind words, your thoughts and your prayers more than you can imagine. You have all taught me so much and I am quite sure that I would not have been able to stay so strong through this process if I did not have my “blogging friends”. It is with a heavy hart that today I have to say goodbye. I would like to promise to read and to comment, but I just do not think I can, at least not for a while. Please know that I am thinking of all of you and that I am grateful for all that you have done for me.

Thank you for everything. Thank you.


16 Comments:

Blogger Larisa said...

P - I hope you can find yourself, find your new path.

I will miss you terribly, but can understand your need to leave.

I'm sorry the doctor couldn't offer more, I'm sorry none of us can offer more.

Thinking of you.

Blogger Krista said...

Good luck on your chosen path.

Blogger zhl said...

I'm sorry to see you go, but I can totally understand why you must leave. I hope that in the not-too-distant future you can find yourself happy again.

Wishing the best for you and your husband.

Blogger EJW said...

Completely understandable. Thank you for your additions to the collective wisdom and community of IF bloggers. Best wishes, whatever you decide.

Blogger PI Jill said...

xo

Blogger Cass said...

You will be missed, but I understand. And I hope you can find some peace and a new path - wherever that leads you.

Blogger Mellie said...

Oh P, I think we all understand exactly where you're coming from - and fervently wish that it weren't so. I so hope that you find all the answers and relief that you need.

Thank you for all the support and comraderie you've provided me over the last year. Wishing you only the best.

Be happy.

Blogger Jamila said...

P - you were one of my very first infertile friends and of course I'm sorry to see you go (I'm honest-to-God crying right now), but I completely understand and wish you strength and health on the next part of your life's journey.

Anonymous T said...

Good luck P - I wish you well!

Anonymous Anne said...

P- I will miss you! I feel lucky to have "met" you. I cannot thank you enough for all of your support. I hope life brings you and your husband many good things. Take care of yourself.

Blogger Pamplemousse said...

Sorry to see you go but sometimes it has to be done to find the sanity in all this crap. I wish you all the best.

Blogger Thalia said...

P, I'm sorry it was all so negative at the doctor's. And I'm sorry that there don't seem to be any good family-building paths for you right now. I hope you have fun reconnecting with the real world. We will miss you.

Blogger elle said...

I'm so so sorry. I hope you find your peace.

Blogger Donna said...

Yes, take the time to grieve and spend the time you need with your husband. I hope sometime you will find that writing about your life in the next phase will also be helpful. I know it has helped me to continue on a different path.

Blogger elle said...

So so sorry, but totally understandable. I hope you and your husband are able to find your centers and laugh easily again very soon. Thinking of you...

Blogger Chee Chee said...

Take care and good luck.

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