Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Climbing the First Hill...
When I was twelve I spent a week in California with a sports team that I was involved with. Once the competition was over we got to spend a couple of days touring the sites, hitting the beach, and going to The Big Theme Park. I remember that we went on a weekday so it wasn’t completely packed and since we didn’t have anything to do the next day we were allowed to stay until the park closed. As the night drew on the crowds dwindled down and the lines got shorter and shorter. A group of us girls decided that we would ride The Big Rollercoaster as many times as we could before the park closed. I remember the anticipation building as we stood in line. I remember the fear bubbling up in my stomach as we climbed that first big hill and the rush of adrenaline that coursed through my veins as we went sailing down the backside. I remember the dizzying effects of the corkscrew and the nauseas feeling in the pit of my gut as we flew over the little bumps. At the end I remember the crushing disappointment of the car returning to the station and the ride being over. What I remember most is that the feelings and emotions that I experienced were exactly the same the first time and the last.

I feel like each cycle is another ride on The Big Rollercoaster, filled with hills and corkscrews and little bumps. This cycle isn’t any easier than the first, and if I remove myself from today I realize that it really isn’t any harder either, the hills and bumps and corkscrews have just been rearranged. Today I get anxious about follicle size and sperm counts, where the first cycle I was anxious about EWCM and rising temperatures. Today my nausea stems from the fertility drugs and not the prenatal vitamins. The worst part is that first cycle or last, rearranged or the same, the ending has always been the same - disappointing.

Thank you to each and every one of you that has commented or sent me emails and well wishes. I really and truly appreciate your support. I hope that your wishes and thoughts all come true, that this is my last ride on the TTC rollercoaster, and that I am not dissapointed when it is over.


5 Comments:

Anonymous anne said...

I REALLY hope this is your last time on the roller coaster too.I hope the end of this cycle gives you a start on a whole new ride.

Blogger Julie said...

I hope this is the beginning of the ride of your life my friend!

Blogger zhl said...

Good luck. I too hope that this is your last ride of this variety.

Blogger Donna said...

One of the hardest things about this ride is your chances of success don't increase with each try...they are the same every time. Remember to keep your arms and legs inside the ride at all times. And strap yourself in, its going to be a bumpy ride.

Blogger Larisa said...

I hope this is your last climbing of the IF hill, so to speak. Good luck.

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