Friday, May 27, 2005
All consuming fear and how I deal with it... #100
100. I am scared that I will never be a mother.

I am sometimes consumed by the fear that I will never be a mother and it really, really scares me sometimes. I handle my infertility better on some days than I do on others. The hardest part about it is not having anyone to talk to that understands.

Most of my friends are much older than I and all have teenage children. We don't talk about my infertility because they don't want to know about it. The few friends I have that are my age either don't have any kids (or a husband for that matter) or have no problem getting pregnant and just don't understand. I think that my BF really wants to understand and she asks me what is going on, but as I start to explain where we are and where we are going I can see her eyes glaze over and I know that I have lost her.

I have one real life friend who has taken a great interest in my treatment and she offers me as much support as she can. The best part about her... she doesn't pretend that it is all okay and she admits that she can't understand what I am going through but she stands by me just the same. She brings me wine when my cycle fails and she holds my hand while I cry. Fertile friends like her are FEW and FAR BETWEEN.

In the absence of real life infertile friends (edited to say I have one now... ), I have found a lot of support and encouragement from the infertility blogs that I read. There are some lovely ladies out there that have been through horrible battles and they are now mothers. Be it by IUI, IVF, adopting, donor sperm or surrogacy they have all taken down the dragon and have (or will soon have) their children in their arms. These are the people that I think about when I get scared and I start to feel consumed.

I know that it is going to be hard, but I WILL be a mother. Even if I don't get there the "traditional" way.


Blogger Julie said...

I came across your blog on bloglines. Care for another virtual infertile friend?

Anonymous Sarah said...

Oh, sister, sing it. I relate completely. Part of it too, as I say constantly, is that this is still somehow a taboo topic: so personal, so painful, yet so common--it's hard to know how to confront it. Sometimes I wonder how horribly hard it must have been for women of past generations, when it was more taboo (and, of course, before the internet).

I'm glad you're here.

Blogger Mellie said...

I hear you! Though, I've found that believing I WILL be a mom someday, somehow, is starting to make this IF a bit less evil. I was so proud of myself for not bursting into tears yesterday when I got that bfn. It will happen somehow.

Blogger Jamila said...

I WILL be a mother

Damn straight you will.

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