Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Adios, arrivederci, auf wiedersehen, au revoir, sayonara, goodbye…
n. a farewell remark; “they said their good-byes”

I have been thinking about writing this post since our IVF cycle failed and I have started writing it three or four times with no success. Today I am committed to seeing this post through to completion.

We had a re-group with the RE and the embryologist earlier this month. We got to see pictures of my immature, and not very pretty eggs and we went through the “cycle by the numbers” speech. I had fantastic Estrodial numbers, right where they want them to be on trigger day. They loved the number and size of follicles that I had and they are positive that I didn’t screw up the trigger. All in all they have no idea what went wrong or why, but there is a really, really good chance that it will happen again. I guess we didn’t learn anything at our appointment except that this portion of our journey is over. We can not, or should I say are not willing to, spend so much money on something with such very low odds. I was okay with plunking down 16K on 50% odds, but our odds on a repeat cycle are so low that they will not even give me a number.

For now Husband and I need a break and we are taking one. I am focusing really hard on other things in my life – job, friends, family, home. I am trying to step out of the little box that I have been trapped in for the better part of five years and remember that there is more to life and to a marriage than having children. Sure, deep down I am dying inside, I feel like a failure and I am disappointed at the hand of cards that I have been dealt, but I am dealing with it. Neither Husband nor I are interested in using donor eggs, and for now we have taken adoption off the table. I need some time to heal, to get to a point where I do not resent the pregnant women at the grocery store and where I do not cry in the baby section of Target. I need to learn to answer the question, “When are you going to have children?” honestly instead of elusively, and I need to accept that this is not anyone’s fault.

For me the first step, regrettably, towards healing is to withdraw from a community that I have felt so much love from. I respect each and every one of you and I appreciate your kind words, your thoughts and your prayers more than you can imagine. You have all taught me so much and I am quite sure that I would not have been able to stay so strong through this process if I did not have my “blogging friends”. It is with a heavy hart that today I have to say goodbye. I would like to promise to read and to comment, but I just do not think I can, at least not for a while. Please know that I am thinking of all of you and that I am grateful for all that you have done for me.

Thank you for everything. Thank you.