Monday, April 25, 2005
The 2WW... again!
So here I sit. Back in the 2WW. This sucks! We got "high" timing on the FF conception advisor this month. Not that we don't get that every month, but still a girl has to hope!

I am traveling for work this week. Nothing more fun than being in a cow-town with your coworkers and not your husband. PHSYCHE! At least if he were here we could get in on in the evening. But, since he is not I must resort to blogging my time away.

Bullet called the EBF. She just couldn't let her be "the bigger person"! I am proud of her. That had to be a hard call to make. Who knows if she will get a return call (EBF didn't answer the phone when she called)... but at least SHE made the last effort.

Well... only twelve more days until I find out if I am preggo or not. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Bahhh.

Friday, April 22, 2005
RE Appointment Set...
I broke down today and made an appointment with an RE. My schedule is crazy this summer and I was afraid that if I didn't do it soon they wouldn't be able to get me in when I wanted. Now let's just keep our fingers crossed that my body doesn't screw up the timing. I typically have a 27-31 day cycle so my estimation is that June 10th should fall in the first week of my cycle, hopefully early enough to do Day 3 blood work and a baseline ultrasound.

As I mentioned before I was torn about which RE to see. I couldn’t decide whether to go to the one who took my insurance or the one who didn’t. I made an appointment with the one who didn’t and after a conversation with Husband and my OB I changed my mind and decided to go ahead and see the RE that does. I had estimated the cost of my first visit to be at least $400 out-of-pocket if I went to the one that didn’t and that didn’t include an additional SA, HSG, etc. if the Doc wouldn’t accept the ones from October. By going to the one who does we only have to pay office visit co-pays ($10) and perhaps an outpatient co-pay ($50). Much. Cheaper.

I think I feel better now that the appointment is made and on my calendar. I spent over an hour this morning filling out the paperwork (medical history, medical release forms, blah, blah, blah) and all that is left to do is Husband's history. I want to get them faxed over soon so that all the records get to the RE in plenty of time for him (yes him… I am bummed about that) to review them. Husband may have to come out of the closet to his family about our adventure as there are a couple of questions on there that I don’t think he is going to know the answer to. I may be able to ask SIL since she knows what is going on. Hmmm?!

I am tired of the hot flashes and the bloated belly. Can you believe that I gain over 5 lbs every stupid cycle that I am on the Clomid? It usually comes off pretty quickly as soon as the cycle busts though so no big deal.

Monday I leave for my first week away on business. I am really sad :o( I don’t like staying in hotels by myself and I am not keen about being away from Husband, Dog and Cat – not to mention my own bed! Luckily it is only a one week gig this time so it shouldn’t be too bad. Then I am home for a couple of weeks and then back out for a month. Obviously if the Clomid doesn’t work this month we are going to take yet another month off since I won’t even be home.

Well, Happy Friday to all my non-readers. I am going to pack up and blow this popsicle stand!

Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Return of the EBF....
Wow! The EBF has emerged from her hole and made her presence known! I can hardly believe it. I guess if you are going to understand the end of the story I better give you the beginning... rewind 13 years...

I met EBF when she moved to my high school her senior year. This was a hard move for her as our high school was small and most of us had known each other since grade school. There were cliques and it was hard for her to find a group to fit in with. She had previously been a cheerleader, but had moved to our school too late to try out for the squad. She started hanging out with the skaters (not the skate boarders, the figure skaters... we had lots of those at our school) and from what I remember didn't like my cheerleadery self all that much at first. I don't remember how our friendship started exactly, but I know we became close friends VERY fast.

Through high school there ended up being five of us that were really good friends: Bullet (my truest friend in the WORLD), Cajun, Frogger, EBF and me. EBF was a year older than Cajun, Bullet and I and we have a year (in school years) on Frogger. Anyway... EBF graduated from high school and moved onto college. I went to see her frequently because the college parties were way better than any the high school kids were throwing. After a year (or was it a semester?) EBF dropped out of college and moved home, she went to community college for a while and then decided that college just wasn't her gig and that she was going to work. This didn't bother me in the least. We continued to go out dancing and drinking and had a great time doing it.... oh and did I tell you that the five of us were a group of nice looking ladies?

Soon it was time for me to leave for college and I picked a school 14 hours away from home. EBF came to see me for my birthday, I came home at Thanksgiving and Christmas and everything stayed hunky dorey. We had our fights, of course, usually (always) over boys but nothing earth shattering. I think it was my junior year of college that EBF started hanging out with Sundae, a girl from Frogger's graduating class. EBF's behavior never really changed, but mine did. I was settling down with my now husband, I was finishing up school and I was looking forward to entering the "real world" with all my ducks in a row. EBF was still hanging out at bars, having lots of casual sex and being the drama queen she is - she was also living with Sundae.

The spring I graduated from college EBF called to tell me she was preggers. I didn't find this surprising and tried to be as supportive as I could. I flew home to surprising her for her baby shower and was there the day after her son was born to meet him. Sundae was named baby EBF's God mother and Bullet and I were surpriseing and hurt. Three months after baby EBF was born I married my husband and EBF was the maid of honor. A year and a half later Bullet was married and EBF and I were both bridesmaids... the next October EBF announced that she was preggo again (different dad) and that she was getting married.

Bullet, Frogger and I were all bridesmaids in that wedding... her sister and Sundae were the other two. I think the night she got married our friendship ended. The three of us (Bullet, Frogger, and me) were completely ostracized from the rest of the group. It was as if she had invited us to join in the celebration because she felt she HAD to, not because she wanted to. The night was miserable... she was divorced before the baby was born.

The last time I saw EBF was between Thanksgiving and Christmas of 2001... she brought her husband, Singer, up "to see how a family can live on two incomes". Yes that is right she only came to see me to influence her husband to get a job... not to visit, not to let me see the cute little belly. To. Prove. A. Point. FUCK! I was extremely hurt and started to get fed up. In April (I don't even remember the date) her daughter was born and that was the last time we spoke. I called to congratulate her, to wish her well, and to tell her I would be in town for the weekend - if she wanted me to come over, give me a call at my parents house. She never called.

Anyway... that is my side of the long story. Bullet and Frogger and Cajun all have their own versions but the ending is the same. No one talks to her anymore. Until today.

Today Bullet received a card from EBF congratulating her on the recent birth of her son, and acknowledging the disappearance of their friendship. She closed it with mention of getting things back to the way they used to be and included her phone number. Bullet is confused and doesn't know what to do. She, like me, doesn't want the friendship back. She doesn't want to get hurt. I understand her predicament completely. How can she be gracious and still keep EBF at arms length?

I guess that was long winded, but without a bit of background you have nothing to base your opinion on and I NEED opinions.... not that anyone is reading this.

Thursday, April 14, 2005
Weird dreams...
So I had a VERY strange dream last night that involved my ex-best friend (EBF) and her whole family. There were also a couple of random people from high school in it that didn't fit into the story at all and who I was not very close with?! It all started out when I broke into EBF's house to steal her PreSeed... of course her PreSeed was in pill form and the outside of the bottle read, "Coumadin, take before sex with a glass of red wine"! I only remember pieces and parts.... but at one point EBF and I were talking like we hadn't ignored each other for the past four years and everything was exactly as it had been before we went our seperate ways. I remember that at the end of the dream she caught me with her pills and pittied me for my needing them and for our situation. The funny thing about EBF showing up in my dream is that I don't regret ending our friendship. It was healthy, it was right, it was the adult thing to do. I do miss her sometimes but I think that is normal. I know in my head that my life is better without her and her dramatics. I think my dream was probably influenced by the raunchy episode of CSI I watched, my subconscious fear of starting the Clomid again and the emotions that Vixanne's recent posts about friends/acquaintances have stirred in me.

Tonight I pop my first pill. Bring on the hot flashes, the bitchiness, the headaches and the big old bloated belly! I am ready for it this time. I have all my "fat girl" clothes cleaned, pressed and ready to wear. UGH! Fertility drugs suck... I can't imagine what the ladies on high doses, crazy cocktails and injectibles go through every month! Some days I wonder if it is really all worth it.

Stay tuned - my posts are bound to get a little bit crazy over the next week or so!

Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Cycle 453.... or so it seems!
Well I am CD 3 on God knows what cycle.... over 36 but not quite to 48. This is getting hard. I am going to start my third round of Clomid on Thursday. This is our last month before we break down and see an RE for additional testing and help. I can't believe that it has come this far. I don't understand why this is happening to me. I am frustrated and tired and sad. URG.

I also need to decide whether to see the Super Highly Recommended RE that doesn't take my insurance (diagnosis of infertility is covered, treatment is not) or see the RE I Know Nothing About but does take my insurance. If I go to the SHR RE only 80% will be covered... if I go to the RE IKNA all I have to pay out of pocket is co-pays. Any advice?

Thursday, April 07, 2005
Fire Breathing Dragon...
The last few months that I was on BCP I had heartburn that would knock me out. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't stand, I couldn't sit, I definitely couldn't lay down. It hurt to eat and it hurt to drink. There were at least a few days when I thought I was having a heart attack. Tums and Rolaids couldn't even touch it, my prescription meds only worked half of the time and I was miserable. I finally decided that enough was enough and that I would give up the BCP in order to have my normal heartburn free life back. Things have been great since then. Now I only get "the burn" once a month, for one day in my LP and an over the counter Zantac kills it quite quickly.

This is not the case this month. I have HEARTBURN and I think I am going to die. I don't know if it was the abundance of rich food I ate in Mexico, or maybe all of the beer/wine/margaritas/mojitos that I drank... but I have been miserable for seven days now! Of course, it started the night we left for Mexico... so I can't blame it all on over eating/drinking. I can't make it go away and it is mixed with nausea. I am a fire breathing dragon... please someone make it go away!