All consuming fear and how I deal with it... #100

100. I am scared that I will never be a mother.

I am sometimes consumed by the fear that I will never be a mother and it really, really scares me sometimes. I handle my infertility better on some days than I do on others. The hardest part about it is not having anyone to talk to that understands.

Most of my friends are much older than I and all have teenage children. We don't talk about my infertility because they don't want to know about it. The few friends I have that are my age either don't have any kids (or a husband for that matter) or have no problem getting pregnant and just don't understand. I think that my BF really wants to understand and she asks me what is going on, but as I start to explain where we are and where we are going I can see her eyes glaze over and I know that I have lost her.

I have one real life friend who has taken a great interest in my treatment and she offers me as much support as she can. The best part about her... she doesn't pretend that it is all okay and she admits that she can't understand what I am going through but she stands by me just the same. She brings me wine when my cycle fails and she holds my hand while I cry. Fertile friends like her are FEW and FAR BETWEEN.

In the absence of real life infertile friends (edited to say I have one now... ), I have found a lot of support and encouragement from the infertility blogs that I read. There are some lovely ladies out there that have been through horrible battles and they are now mothers. Be it by IUI, IVF, adopting, donor sperm or surrogacy they have all taken down the dragon and have (or will soon have) their children in their arms. These are the people that I think about when I get scared and I start to feel consumed.

I know that it is going to be hard, but I WILL be a mother. Even if I don't get there the "traditional" way.

I promise...

... I am going to update my links this weekend! I have so many people that I want to add I just haven't had time! Perhaps I should pick a new template too... anyone done that with Blogger? Is it going to piss me off?

How I spend my nights on the road...

1. Drinking beer.



2. Eating a meal that I didn't cook and don't have to clean up after.



3. Blogging...



4. Doing it ALL while sitting in bed watching American Idol. Go Bo, or Carrie, or Bo, or maybe Carrie. Oh I don't care... they are both great and I will probably buy both of their albums.

PS - bought Kelly Clarkson this week to listen to on one of my many upcoming trips... it ROCKS! Trust me - it does!

Finally!

My temperature went up this morning and I am fairly confident that ovulation took place yesterday. We will have to see what the next couple of days brings. We ended up with a two day cut-off... not good but not horrible I guess. Ah, back to waiting. On a positive note, as long as my LP doesn't go completely wacky this cycle I should be on CD3 the day that I meet with the RE. If this is the case they will do all my CD3 tests them same day as my consult and I won't have to wait until July!

Dear Body,

Please throw me a bone. I would like to not start my period until Wednesday, June 7th. This is a small favor that I ask of you. Please don't fuck this up for me.

Sincerely,

P.

I feel the need to come clean...

This post is hard for me to write. I have this unbelievable need to be perfect in everyone's eyes and obviously this extends to people that I don't even know since I have blogged for three months and never mentioned The Thing.

Here is The Thing. I am a smoker. Yes, that is correct, I love nicotine! It is a hard admission for me to make especially since the first thing everyone tells me when they find out I am having a hard time getting knocked up is, "well you should stop smoking". I have always know that I would quit smoking when I got pregnant... and that I wouldn't go back. When we first started this journey I used to get to the end of the 2WW and say to myself, "self... this may be your last pack of cigarettes". Obviously I don't do that anymore. I quit for a month last summer but that all flew out the window one night when I was hanging out with some friends and having some beers at a BBQ.

I know that at least a couple of my readers are smokers or ex-smokers. If you are a smoker what kind of grief are you getting from your RE? I am scared that he is going to send me away... tell me to quite smoking and come back in three months. If you are an ex-smoker and quit before you conceived, how did you do it?

Why I am sad...

It appears that I did not ovulate early like I had wanted to. I was home with Husband this weekend and I was really hoping that ovulation would occur on Monday so that there was some itty-bitty possibility that we would have a chance this cycle. No. Such. Luck. I am on day 15 and there are no signs that my cranky ovaries have released an egg. I am very suprised by this as I typically ovulate on CD13 or 14 when I am not on Clomid. Oh well, at least I only have eighteen more days until I see the RE!

Knew all along, I think she did...

Ah - I can't get the little green guy's voice out of my head!!! Husband and I went to the late showing of Star Wars on Thursday night. I have to say I think it was my favorite of the new ones! It was a long night after 4 1/2 hours of travel home, but SO worth it. I love going on "dates".

Anyway, with regard to my Yoda comment... I was visiting with my neighbor on Saturday afternoon and she mentioned that after she was done with grad-school next May she and her husband were going to look into adopting a baby (she is 40 and has one biological son). I asked her if she had completely dismissed the idea of having another one of her own (must preface this so you don't all think I am an ass! We have talked about her having another one at 40+ before) and she revealed to me that having babies required that she be on bed rest for the whole pregnancy and she didn't know if she could do it again. I invited her over for dinner and drinks and what do you think I found out... she is a fellow infertile. I have a real-life shoulder to cry on now and I am SO happy. I found out that it took her ten years to have her son, that she lost triplets at 18 weeks and had multiple other miscarriages. She has taken Pergonal and Clomid. SHE UNDERSTANDS!!!

So here is the question - did she know all along? Had she sniffed me out and identified me as one of her breed? Did she recognize the depressed, drugs not working, not pregnant, dirty sweatpants wearing, wine guzzling infertile that lived next door? I think she did and I am glad.

A little help?!

So - I just realized that TiVo didn't record Gilmore Girls for me last night. Instead it picked American Idol. Shame on me for having my Season Pass Manager all out of whack! Anyone want to tell me what happened?

My temperatures are finally leveling out. They were SO crazy there for a little while - very strange for me. Anyway, things are starting to get going down there and I am very anxious to get home (wink, wink)... I usually ovulate a bit earlier off the drugs than I do on the drugs so hopefully my body will throw me a bone and I will ovulate Sunday afternoon or Monday morning after a full weekend of "I missed you lovin'" and before I have to hit the road for work again.

Is it time for re-runs yet?!

I am so tired of TV right now and if you read my 100 things post you know I watch way too much... thank you Tivo! Every show I watch seems to remind me that I am not pregnant yet. Some examples:

1. ER - Sam has a "scare".
2. Desperate Houswives - Gabrielle ends up knocked because her husband tampered with her BCP.
3. Grey's Anatomy - Christina screws around at work and winds up pregnant.
4. Survivor - Coby announces that he has adopted a baby girl and named her Janu.*
5. The Amazing Race - Uchenna & Joyce win and can now afford more IVF or adoption.*
6. 7th Heaven - Just all around way too much baby talk, but I still love the show.
7. Everwood - Ephram goes into a tailspin when he finds out that Madison had his baby and gave him up for adoption.
8. The news... hello could every female anchor in my market be pregnant. Please?

And these are just the shows that I watch regularly. I can only imagine what is happening on the shows I don't watch.

* I am actually really happy for these people.

Why Traveling For Work SUCKS!

1. You inevitably end up in a cow-town 1/1450 the size of the town you are from.
2. Drinking a beer in said cow-town by yourself is just pathetic.
3. The crappy hotel you have to stay in doesn't have a bar so you have to drive to above bar to have a beer by yourself.
4. The crappy cow-town has too many cops with nothing to do so drinking more than one beer with dinner and driving back to crappy hotel means risking a DUI and all that entails.
5. The only people in the bar that is not in the crappy hotel in the cow town resemble your grandparents more than your peers.
6. The TV in your crappy hotel room only gets 10 channels and most of them are full of static.
7. You have to completely jerry-rig the network cord to stretch from the desk to the bed because, SERIOUSLY, who wants to sit at a desk to type on a computer?! The bed is soooo much better!
8. You miss your husband, your dog, your cat and your bed. You are lonely and sad and you aren't. getting. laid.

At least it is only day seven, I only have to be away from home for three nights and there will be plenty of "I miss you" lovin' waiting for me when I get home.

Ah - here I am!

Sorry about leaving everyone this weekend. Things were crazy and I just didn't have a chance to blog. My period never returned. I spotted once on Friday but that was it. I did take another test and it was negative so.... who knows?! I think it probably has something to do with the Clomid thining my lining, but I am not sure. I will be sure to bring it up with the RE next month. That said, it is less than a month until my initial consulatation and I am getting every excited. I have a ton of questions and am really looking forward to getting some answers finally.

Thank you to all of the very nice ladies who sent me emails. They were much appreciated! I promise to write each and every one of you back soon. I am traveling for work this week and will have lots of boring down time at the hotel :o)

Okay better get some stuff done around the office.

The Amazing Disappearing Period.

So I have no idea what is going on, but by 4:00 yesterday afternoon my period had vanished. No more bleeding, not even a spot. I have had some short periods but this is pretty unusual. I just don't know what to think. It will probably come back at some point but usually it doesn't disappear until after three heavy days and then it comes back for one day of spotting?! Anyone else have a magic disappearing/reappearing period?

Also, I am in the process of compiling all my medical records to send to my RE for review before my consult in June. Yesterday I received records from an ER visit I had in 1999 where they diagnosed me with an ovarian cyst. Now, I knew that I had the cyst, but they told me that it was "minor" and that it would most likely resolve itself. Reading through the records I found this on the report from my ultrasound:

Impression: Very large cyst in left ovary measuring approximately 7 cm.

Now does anyone else think that a 7cm cyst is a bit large for them to not recommend that I follow up with an OB or something to make sure that it "resolved" itself or is 7cm nothing to worry about? I should also mention that I was on the pill at the time mainly to control ovarian cysts after having one rupture in 1997. Now I am super scared of my next meeting with the Wand Monkey. What are they going to find...

Wow!

A huge shout out to Julie who managed to get over 500 people to my blog in one day by posting a link to me on her blog. Julie - YOU ROCK!

I am making it through CD2 just fine. Much better than yesterday! Too bad I can't be at home curled up with a book today. It is raining and chilly and grey and gloomy. I have at least three half-finished books that deserve more attention than anything on my desk at work.

On the non TTC front... Two and a half years ago when I was going through emotional hell I went to a therapist to help get some perspective and advice. Six sessions and a couple hundred bucks later she came up with the following suggestions: Talk more with those close to me about how I feel, take a vacation, and hire someone to clean my house. I have finally completed my homework Dr. H. - the house-keeper comes on Friday and I am SO excited!!! Now if they will just clean the hardwood floors the way I want them to I won't have to fire them :o)

The Silver Lining...

There is nothing worse than running out of tampons early in the day while you are at work. Unless, you manage to find a quarter (an unlikely prospect for the girl who NEVER carries cash) and put it in the automatic dispenser in the ladies room only to find out that one quarter buys you UNLIMITED tampons... and you can pull your quarter back out when you have enough.

It is the little things that bring me joy.

Fertility Drugs are the Enemy!

Someone shoot me. Really. Please? Any volunteers?

Clomid is the drug of the devil. It gives me insane headaces, bloats me up like a dead cow tangled up in barb wire and the cramp... OH MY GOD... the cramps. And the bleeding? Like a stuck pig!

I have never felt as much pain as I have during my period for the last four months. This is stupid, I don't know if I can do it anymore.

I need wine and a bath and some wine.... and maybe a Vicodin (or four).

Must have been the flu...

I regained some hope this weekend. After feeling like utter crap on Friday I had a second hight temperature on Saturday and even though I know not to... I took a test. It was of course negative and Sunday and Mondays temperatures took a nose dive right on schedule. This has lead me to the conclusion that it must have been the flu. I am not back to CD1 yet, but expect to be by this afternoon or tomorrow.

At least I only have one more cycle before my appointment with the RE. Perhaps I should schedule my consultation sooner so that we can start actual treatment in July? I just don't know what to do. Really, I know there is at least one person out there reading. Do you have an opinion?

I am a pretty picture...

Okay. 12 DPO. Tired. Too much Cinco De Mayo fun last night. Overslept. Hair not curled. Jeans on 3rd wear. Head ache, gut ache, nausea, sore boobs. Eating Saltines and drinking Sprite. Currently ignorning all the crumbs down the front of my shirt. Is it time to go home yet? I need a nap.

Some days I HATE Blogger!

I have been trying to post all afternoon and it kept getting stuck every time I tried to publish. I gave up and saved my last entry as a draft. Perhaps I will try again tomorrow when it isn't being so cranky.

Anyway, I just ate 10 chocolate eggs (Butterfinger flavor) and a chocolate dinner mint that I scrounged out of the bottom of my purse. I hate chocolate. This cycle is so over. And now I have a tummy ache.

Bring it on...

... Bitch! Enough already! I am only 10 DPO, my temps took a nosedive this morning and now I have cramps. Damn.